November

During the month of November there are 30 days. Each day on my facebook page I am going to give one reason I am thankful, even though I could name hundreds. Once the month is complete I will put the list here on my blog. It will be neat to see what I am thankful for, and what others are thankful for!

I have started running this week. I am in total shock! I can actually run a mile or more and not stop...I can run the entire time. Patting myself on the back for this one. Hopefully I can get my friend Suzanne to join me or even Nick, but I will walk if Suzanne wants too, just to have some girl time!! I am feeling great, just really need a new wardrobe!!lol

Also, finally Nick is with a company that throws a Christmas party for their employees! I am excited. I have really missed the Fuji Christmas parties!! Guessing I will have to get a nice spray tan...lol, and hmm...what dress to wear...I am thinking a black strapless but who knows! Just excited to go.

We just had Halloween...Ansley was an Ocean Fairy, and Adam was a soldier, an adorable one at that!!!!!

This is all I could, with the 2 of them side by side!!!

Lots of different things have been going on since my last blog, but of course as a reader you already know that!!! I promise I am really trying to blog more, but I am staying so busy with the kids, exercising, cleaning (that part was a joke, lol)...and just life in general. Plus, with all the blogs out there, I don't think anyone really misses mine, if it doesn't get updated all the time!
November is a busy month for us...lots of birthdays, including mine...Nicks, my mother in law and also 2 of our great friends. I have a few baby showers to attend, that excites me, since mine are growing up! My neighbor who keeps the kids is having a little girl...I am so excited...I will get to have the new baby feeling again, but get to send her home!! HA!!! November is also a time where we reflect, and give thanks (at least for me) for allowing us all to be a part of a special little mans life, Erik Quarles. This year on the 15th it will be 2 years since he has gained his wings, though I know his mother feels his presence all the time! I am praying for her, and if you would do the same that would be great! We all need prayers said for us, and sometimes others see what we can't and know what to pray for!

Funny story, I went to my therapist last week, his specialty is anxiety, which I have and it just seems to be getting worse as I get older...Lord, help me when Ansley is a teen, or heck, a pre-teen!!! We were discussing some of my issues and how they are brought on and then they just keep building from that point...he looks at me and says, "You need to change your thinking." WTC? Much easier said than done. Don't you think that if it were that easy I would have already done that?? Well, that just added to my anxiety...but in my head, I thought to myself, well it was nice working with you, but if that is your idea of helping, this is a waste of money and time...but like I said it was a funny story!!!

I seriously can't believe that number one my birthday is just around the corner and I will be 32...so old....ugh, and then that Christmas will be here before we know it...but before that I have Ansley's birthday~kinda excited about that one! It should be fun...just 6 girls having a little spa/princess party. I have been buying items here and there for the party...and let me tell you, I have had so much fun!!!! I just need to get a few more things...I am hoping that other moms will hear about it and want to have a party like this for their daughter!! My friend and I are up for it and would love to do a party for others, a slumber party, tea party, princess/spa party...loads of fun!!!

No secret, I have always been a big Harry Potter fan...well, I still haven't seen The Deathly Hallows part 2, and I own all the movies but that one!!! So hopefully, it will be wrapped for my birthday or Christmas. But the shocker is, that I have become addicted to the Twilight Series!!! It came on FX the other night, and I started watching it, got really interested in it and then all of a sudden it went to Spanish. I was not a happy camper. So first ting Monday morning I went to the library and checked out the DVDs, so I am caught up and ready for the new one, that will have a midnight showing on my birthday which I hope to make it too...meanwhile I have started reading the books, they are always better...so much more detail!! But really, ummm, to be 17 or 18 the rest of my life, or hundreds of years...oh the possibilities...definitely would have to see the dr about those female organs, eventually, after a couple hundred years, I do believe the monthly thing would be quite annoying...but having that body, that energy and those hormones...wow, the things I could do to Nick!!! So, I guess you could say I am Team Edward all the way...plus, I am not too keen on the smell of wet dog...Ahhhh, I can't wait to see the new movie and read the books! Which is where I am off to now...just started the first one...and I already don't want to put it down!!!

And one more thing....I am so ready for a vacation to Charleston!!!!! Remember to be thankful each day this month, and all year long! We are all so blessed each in so many different ways.

Drama...and why?

Since my house, or the occupants inside, except me...lol, are napping, so I thought this would be a good time to blog. As always there is several days between postings. Honestly though, there are times when I want to blog about whats going on, but feel that I can't.

Moving on...I know all families have it, all families deal with it on some level, but why?? Why does there always have to be conflict and/or drama?? I just don't get it. But I suppose some people just have to have it or well sort of...as of the other day, my mother deleted me on her contact list. Bahahahaha...that's how I feel anyway...it's no secret that she has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. Which I wanted to know more about and the chances of me having it. Well, I just have depression and anxiety/panic attacks. But I am thinking that if my mother takes her medicine as directed, then she will not have these manic episodes. This is the second one I have experienced with her. And I just don't know what to do. She is cursing everyone for everything...and not at all seeing any blame in herself. She called my house this am 2-3 between 2am and 4am, now seriously, I have 2 small children, why would you do that? Her and her boyfriend have split up and she can't take it, but yet she drove him away. He was on the verge of coming home 2 days ago, and she went psycho on him (using words). I am not dealing with it...I don't have too. I have a family of my own and that is where my concerns are. I mean, how can you tell your grand-daughter that her Papa is mean? You know she is going to repeat it and then believe it and its not true. But I am supposed to let my children in your presence, so you can teach them who to like and dislike? I don't think so. But to keep the story short, I am sure she will come down...everything between us will be fine, but until then I am not putting up with it.

Well, I think I may go rest...my back is hurting still...yep, clumsy me fell down our stairs and jarred my back...and then I have a big ole boy to carry around!! But at the end of my day, I am happy and that is what matters.

Positive

I thought it was time to blog about something cheery. My last blog was not so happy. Sometimes I just find myself in that place, and its hard to get out of, writing tends to help, but honestly I can only write so much online. My life is still somewhat private. Well, I wrote and posted the prologue to my (one day) book, now to find time to write. I have written some, but haven't typed it..old skool, right? I am hoping that one of my friends, Ashley Quarles, would read it as I go...but I would like it to be through email and not my blog. So, Ashley, when you read this...comment and let me know if you will be my personal editor...I trust you to give the brutal truth, but with love and respect as a friend!

Anyways, what a week. Its so hard to imagine that this time last year I was 180 pounds give or take and about to give birth via C-section to a defensive end! Adam Joseph Prochaska entered this world on his original due date of October 14, 2010. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, and I do not see how some of you women do it naturally, but I give you major props for it. But once it was over and I had my baby boy in my arms, I was so happy, no, I haven't forgotten then pain, and I don't think I ever will, but seeing him smile makes it all worth it. And I still can't believe that he will be one on Friday!! It really is sad knowing your baby isn't a baby anymore...I am amazed at how time flies with children and just life in general. Its hard to believe that 10 years ago I was in college, 20 years ago I was in middle school! Wow, is all I can say! And now at the young, young age of 31, I am married to my best friend, and we have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. Life isn't a fairytale, but I wouldn't change it for anything...Okay, so back to my baby boy turning one! I have to admit I have been a little slack on everything, and I am guessing that is because I am not looking forward to him being one...not grown up yet, but if he is anything like his sister by the time he is 2 he will think that he runs the house! Speaking of my darling little Princess, she has been acting out lately. And they say boys have the terrible threes! And heck she will be 4 in December. However, I have already been working on her party...this year it is going to be a small gathering for girls only...well, and their moms....I am excited. I love planning parties...(with the exception of Adam's first bday). We also decided to have Adams party different too. For Ansley it was a big to do, and it is for Adam, but we have decided to keep it family and a few close friends, which in all reality it wont be too small! We are having him dedicated Sunday morning at church, and then plan to celebrate his birthday back here at home...I am getting excited. And I must say that the invitations turned out great!!! I would upload a pic but well I deleted from my computer...boo! However, if you are looking for invitations for a great price that are look amazing let me know!!!

Well, I hate to cut it short...but I want to watch my favorite show Criminal Minds...So I will have to come later!! Have a wonderful night. God Bless!!!!

What's eating Turnip Tara...

Cute title, none the less or at least I think so. As always, it has been a while since I have blogged, but I have so much going on right now that I don't have time for anything. The week is finally here, Adam will be one year old this Friday. I am so sad...where did my baby go. I can't believe how fast time has went by. Seems like just yesterday he was a little baby in my arms. Anyways...I figured this would just be a list instead of paragraphs, it's a little easier that way, thus the title...

1. Losing a loved one is never easy, but you can't tell me I don't know how you feel just because it wasn't your father that passed.
2. It has been 8 years since I lost my dad, but there are days that it feels like it was yesterday.
3. I hate feeling that I am taking all the wrong turns in my road to God.
4. I hate that I have no one to talk to about everything, because we all have enough on our plates.
5. I really wish that my hubby and I spent more time together and as a family.
6. I dislike that he is now working third, and we just can't seem to get adjusted.
7. I wish I was chemically balanced and didn't need medicine to help me make it through each day.
8. I pray that my daughter never experiences the bullying that I did while growing up.
9. I pray that both my children will always have respect and manners...and use them.
10. I really hope that I am not on speed dial, for the school, when Ansley gets older.
11. It really bothers me that even though it has been 8 years, everyone figures I am okay, and that I am not grieving.
12. I don't like that there is no attention to Suicide Awareness and Prevention.
13. I am terribly upset that my hubby forgot a very important day to me, and an apology isn't enough.
14. I don't like that he just figures it will all be fine tomorrow.
15. I miss snuggling with my hubby in the bed at night or just sitting on the couch together after the kids have gone to bed.
16. I don't like that Ansley is back in my bed after trying so hard to get her to stay in her own room.
17. I have to admit that I do love to watch her sleep peacefully next me.
18. I am glad that my life is finally on a schedule...somewhat, with the help of Ansley being in school.
19. I never knew how hard it truly was to be a parent, a good one...
20. I hate to admit that I have had thoughts of suicide, but would never do that to my children.
21. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean I am a disrespectful, non-christian.
22. Everyone of my tattoos has meaning, something from my life.
23. I wish that I didn't have to deal with back pain everyday and that it will only get worse as I get older.
24. I am happy that I have been able to lose all my baby weight, and actually get to my goal weight.
25. I don't like being told that I look sickly and too thin, when I have been much smaller in the past.
26. I regret not finishing nursing school because my anxiety got the best of me.
27. I don't like that I feel mad or sad a lot...especially on gloomy days.
28. I wonder how many true friends I really have...
29. I don't like that my best friend and I don't talk or get together much any more now that we are "grown ups"
30. I absolutely love Charleston...but really don't I could handle all the traffic...
31. I don't feel like I am 31, I still feel like I am in my 20's...
32. It bothers me that he sleeps all day and we never spend time together.
33. I am happy that he spends as much time with the kids as he can.
34. I am thankful for all the help he gives me...when he does...
35. I really hate having all these emotions running through me and I feel like I have no ability or strength to stop it.
36. I don't like keeping it all inside...
37. But I don't want to talk about it either because its a waste of time..

I could continue to go on but well, I am not. I guess you can tell that I am a little sad, mad but also happy and blessed. I am trying my best to stay positive...but it doesn't always fill the void. Until next time...

But when I am at my lowest, I look at my greatest accomplishments, my children, and I always smile!!!

If you truly only knew...

No beating around the bush on this one...I am in a pissy mood, I had looked forward to our family day all morning. Well, while everyone was napping, and Ansley was also supposed to be!! She got out her lipstick and went to town...all over her clothes (brand new), her purse, pillow, and comforter...the punishment we all had to stay home...but in all honesty, its like that is what someone wanted the whole time. Now I am up all alone...nothing new there...wishing I could blog about everything that is racing through my head, but I can't. So really, what is the blog for? Heck if I know...what is facebook for, heck if I know that one either...the book will be completed, now as for how long it takes...well that will be determined by the path that I keep choosing...crossroads...so many at one time. I am really feeling blah and down right now...I could give you a list, but it wouldn't do any good...so I will go to sleep, say my prayers...and wake up tomorrow, on a new day, hoping it goes better...

Revision: short, sweet, simple, and to the point..



Now and Forever...



If you approached me ten years ago and asked me where did I see myself in the future, I can honestly tell you that it wouldn’t be the present that I am now living. I have no idea what it would be like, but I probably would have told you that I would be married, would hope to have children, and also hoping that I am working full time in broadcasting, as a Reporter.



Although, my present life isn’t what I thought it would be, not in the slightest, though I am married, have two beautiful children and I live my days not out in the field reporting, but as a stay at home mother. My path getting here has been a bumpy, rough and narrow road at times, but I am living it. Ten years ago without any hesitation, I would have included my dad in the picture. My two wonderful children would have their Pop, and I would have my daddy. Though, we all know life isn’t a fairytale and we can’t pretend it is, so this is the beginning to my story, my struggles, my battles and my life as a Daddy’s girl, left behind to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward, after he chose to commit suicide.



Dreams...what dreams

Poof...and just like that all of my dreams were gone...demolished, flattened...but oh well, I am sure Einstein has many ideas, or dreams that were flattened before he found something worthy...well, for about 5 years or more I have had a dream of opening my own business. Granted I have come up with several different ideas, all of which I thought would work here in Woodruff, but well the truth is, they wont. This is a wonderful town to live in, at least I think so, I love the school systems, my home, the fact that I am 30 minutes from Greenville and Spartanburg. I have begun to make some new friends. But well, the fact of the matter is, a business of my desire would not fit the town of Woodruff, though, I must say it is a good idea. But all good ideas cost money, and I don't know if you have noticed but that tree in my backyard is bare and has been for a long time now. lol.

But at the same time I feel like I am being pushed and pulled into another direction. One that I have always wanted to participate in but I just didn't know how or what to do. I believe I have said this before, but I just finished reading "Heaven is for real," and it was such a wonderful book. Its nice to breakaway from the same old books,for me they are always murder mystery (my favorites), and this book was nothing like that. It made me feel good inside. It made me excited about God and the Heavens and all my family, and family pets that one day I will reunite with. Most of all, it made me realize that yes, physically my father is no longer on this earth, but he is here spiritually, he is with me everyday, he watches me and one day we will be reunited. Okay, so the point of that...writing. Its my passion. I love to do it, though sometimes everything comes out so random, but it still makes sense. I used to think my purpose was about bullying, and making people aware that it goes on, and that no one truly sees the extent until it goes to far. I am definitely all for the anti-bullying laws, but after writing about only a few experiences from my childhood, I feel compelled to go in another direction. Believe me it has felt so good to get all of it off my chest, and of course I wonder if any of the girls that did those awful things to me have ever read my blog, and if they have, what do they think today? Part of me actually thinks they would read it and laugh, but to me that is just the type of people they are. So anyways, back on point. Day to day we all have struggles, some small some so large that it seems no one can help. Last night I actually sat down and began to write...not type, weird I know! But I am in the beginning phases of writing my book, which has changed. In all honesty, I am doing this for me, not be selfish, but for closure, and well I really don't think that will ever occur. But I am in the process of writing the Prologue to my book. I have no intentions on writing the book here on my blog, I do plan to write the prologue so that you can all read it and possibly give me some advice, positive criticism and so forth. but I fell that God is leading me in the direction of Suicide Awareness and Prevention...maybe there are other girls, women, who are out there and are just as lost as I am, picking up the fragmented pieces trying to figure out what went wrong, and then maybe they have found a way to deal with it and they can help me. Because after writing that I do not believe in stages of grief, God quickly showed me that I am far from over my dad's death. I just have nice way of covering it up, making nice, and pretending all is good in my world, for the sake of the others who depend on me. And trust me its more than just my hubby and children. I want to be everything that God wants me to be and we have to start somewhere. So I am taking the plunge. I ask that you pray for me as I take this challenge on full force...with God's help, of course. I am planning to write my story, a daddy's girl, left behind struggling to put the pieces together so that life can keep going...and realize that no matter how long its been, its a wound that is always fresh, and always will be, but don't mistake that as me not wanting to talk about him because I do. I may not have lost a child, and I pray daily for my friends that have, may they find peace, even if just for that day...but I have lost a parent, and though we usually expect to outlive our parents, we don't usually think that one of them would make the choice to leave this world, on their own terms, never saying goodbye, never even telling us why. You see I didn't get any last words, I didn't get any hugs or kisses or I love yous. What I live with is guilt...because I had not seen my dad in quite some time, though we talked daily, and the last thing I ever did was ask to borrow money....I can't change that...but please don't shut me out because my loss isn't like yours. I hurt, I cry...I smile, I think of all the times we had together and all the times we could be having together...I can't pick up the phone and call him, I can't rush into his room or house and just wrap my arms around him and hug him one last time and scream I love you to the moon and back daddy! We may be different in our losses, but on the inside we feel some of the same feelings if not a lot of the same ones...so don't be so quick to shut everyone out...here I am 8.5 years later, realizing that is exactly what I did, and now I feel like I am starting all over right from the beginning, May 27, 2003...

Hello...is anyone there?

Right here, right now...I feel 10x better than I did 2 hours ago. I don't know why but I do. But at 7:00pm tonight if you could have read all that I was thinking, you probably would have me committed. Heck, you might still try!



I feel like I have everything, well, maybe not everything, having my dad around be nice...but lets get real that isn't going to ever happen, at least not until we meet in Heaven. But I do have a wonderful life that I really truly love. I have the most beautiful children, well mannered, polite and all of the above, but yes they can also be little Tasmanian devils...I have a great husband, who I know many women would love to be married too. I know I have it made in so many ways, but I can't help but feel like I am living in a box and the walls are closing in on me...now maybe that is because I woke up today at 12:30, didn't take my daily meds and totally forgot that my in laws were coming!! (and my house was a mess). On Friday night, I stayed up all night, into the wee hours of the morning, something this body is so not used to doing. I can remember back in college just chillin at the Pi Kap house on the porch watching the sun rise, on several occasions. Though I didn't watch the sun come up, I didn't fall asleep until 7:30am, after I talked to Nick and he was on his way home. Now, why would I do something like that? I am 31 yrs young, a wife and mother of 2, why would I be selfish/childish and stay up all night? I had a great time just hanging out with an old friend and my cousin, to most of you, but to me she is like a sister. Adam was asleep and we just sat up and talked and talked and talked...okay, maybe I was doing all the talking, but she is a great listener!!! We were going through some clothes, that belong to another cousin, trying to find my son some pants to wear in the chilly mornings when I take monkee to school. Well, my OCD/ADD kicked in and I am organizing what is already organized, lol! Needless to say staying up that late really kicked my butt. Although there is no one to blame but myself. And it was a rough week for Nick as well, he has bouts of insomnia, and he had one this week, he didn't sleep for 4 days this week...can you imagine, but he still helped me as much as he could. What a great father and husband...but there are times when I know he feels I don't appreciate all that he does and Lord knows I do, I couldn't live without him.

The man of my dreams...

I can not explain what I feel at times and if I try it comes out all wrong and makes everything worse. I feel like at the age of 31 I am truly abt 80 years old. On a daily basis, I hurt, and I try not to complain, but well I do. I can not put into words how everyday is still a struggle for me in so many ways. I miss my dad. I think of him a lot. I try to always think happy thoughts. But the point is, I want to live for my husband and my children. I don't feel depressed, though I have been diagnosed with Chronic depression. Then tonight I was thinking, am I depressed? Does depression really have a feeling? Sadness...well of course I feel sad who doesn't. Have you watched the news? Is my medicine working? Well, if all of these thoughts are running through my head than I am beginning to think that they aren't working. What would happen if I weened myself off everything? Would I be mean, angry, isolate myself? Then there is my anxiety, is it anxiety, OCD, or ADD or all of it? If I stopped taking my meds for that what would happen? But are they working, or is it in my head? And of course I feel completely guilty about having to take medications to be what I call "normal", the amount of money we could save, if only I was normal! (HAHA). I am supposed to see a therapist along with seeing my psychiatrist, I haven't see the therapist in over a year...I think I could be in his office for a week!! But then I think, why?? Honestly, what is that you truly have to complain about?? And even though the answer is nothing, I do have a lot to talk about...and I know Nick is really getting tired of hearing it. And I beginning to realize that yes, you should always be able to talk to your spouse about everything but at the same time you shouldn't. If it overwhelms me, then it has to overwhelm him too...he begins to think he has done something and he hasn't...its ALL me!!! Then I wonder, would I be like this if my dad were here? But, in reality even if he didn't kill himself, by now he still could have passed away of natural causes. So where does that leave me? See what I am saying...everything is just so random.

My cousin said to me the other day, what have I done to deserve all of this that I am getting, I have done nothing but help everyone. And she is right...she will do anything for anyone, she helped me when I needed it. Right now I feel the same way...what have I done to deserve to feel like this...is this how my life is going to be...do I need medication to be normal, do I need to see therapists and a psychiatrist, a doctor for this and a doctor for that??? I just don't know anymore. All I can honestly tell you is that I have a wonderful life, a great husband and 2 beautiful children and yet there are times like tonight when I felt like running away.

I would never commit suicide, so for those of you that think I am..just stop...the thought has crossed my mind a few times, but can anyone really say they haven't thought about it? Or just wondered what life would be like if we weren't here? Would anyone really notice (besides my children and husband)? What would people say about me? UGH! Seriously, I can not put it into words all that I am feeling. I can't even say all that I am feeling for fear of judgement. Tonight, I wanted to run away and hide, be alone and just pretend I didn't exist. Whether I like it or not life is hard and I get so upset with myself for various reasons.

One being that I have a husband who always helps when I ask, but at the same time can aggravate me in a minute when it comes to the kids...its like there are some things that he doesn't notice or just doesn't get. For instance, believe it or not we have a routine, now granted it might not be right down to the minute, but every night we do the same things before bed and such, and he recently made a comment that we didn't have a routine. Umm, yes we do, you just sleep through it. Tonight we started baths at 7 and weren't finished until after 8p, and that was working together. Another one of my peeves, I guess you could call it that...is letting Adam stay in his crib after he wakes up in the am or after nap time. I don't mind a little bit, we have a monitor, and can hear him playing in his crib. But every Monday when I take monkee to school, I usually go walk with a friend, maybe even run a few errands, pick monkee up at school and when we get home they are still in the bed!! That just irks me...and why? I have no idea. I know he works nights now, and we are beginning to adjust and figure it all out...but then I have my break downs like tonight. What to do?? Oh, and I am beginning to see some of my mothers quirks coming out in me...on that note, I have come to the realization that she isn't all that bad and how I feel about certain subjects, though they are just like her, I am right in the way I feel. But that's a whole other story. It has taken 8.5 yrs for me to begin to see my mother again, in herself. I thank God that she is coming back, but a lot of her is still gone and always will be. But in some of her thinking she isn't wrong, never was.

Okay, so it looks like I have rambled and rambled and never really came to a point. Let me tell you I have had more blonde moments since dying my hair auburn than I did when I was truly blonde!! LOL If you don't believe me ask my family and friends!! We have begun to call them red moments!!!

I am thinking that maybe I should blog about a typical day in our house, and you tell me what is wrong...and trust me, I already know its all me...Girls, if you are reading this...I need a girls weekend...or maybe a new medication. Either way, I will stop here because I am exhausted and going to bed. If anybody has any advice on anxiety and trying to handle it, please let me know because until I took my meds tonight I was freaking out...now, I am calm, cool and collected...the 3 C's!!! And very tired and sore...so look out bed, move over Amaretta and Nick...make me some room, and heating pad here I come!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!!

And like I always say, Please, please smile at someone today if not everyone, you honeslty never know whose life you may save with your smile...no teeth, then show them gums!!! Smiling is great for everyone, practice...and see what it does for you and others in your life!

Ansley smiling at all of you...

What this blog has done for me...

There is so much that I have wanted to blog about lately, but I am either laying down with Ansley to take a nap or by the time I am done with everything its abt 11pm!!! Then I begin to just lay there in bed my mind going crazy with ideas of blogs I want to write, things I want to do and so much more! Nick suggested that I take a notepad with me when I lay down that way I can jot down my ideas. Some friends agreed, and I too, thought that it was a great idea. So that night I began writing my ideas down, then next thing I remember is waking up with the notebook in my lap and the pen in the bed, but the strangest part is somehow pen marks were all over Ansley's feet!!! Now let me mention, I found the pen right beside my pillow! So there is no telling how it happened, but it did! She woke up saying "mommy, someone wrote on me, see...look at my feet."

It's amazing how much better I feel since starting this blog. I have kept so much inside of me that it just began to weigh me down and upset me. Though I have only written about a few incidents from my past when it comes to bullying, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders, heck, my entire body! I feel free. Crazy sounding isn't it. Plus, the whole idea of writing a book about my past, I don't see that anymore, well at least not about all the cruel experiences I endured. Over the last month, God has really showed me some things, led me to places that I never would have found on my own, much less looked! Not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't listening. I just finished reading a book, "Heaven is for real," it's a must read if you haven't read it. It is about this little boys journey to Heaven, and it just makes your Faith that much stronger or it did for me. This little boy made my night as I was reading and he told his dad that yes there are pets in Heaven and lots of beautiful colors, but most of all Jesus has the most beautiful eyes. Oh, how I wish I could hop on an elevator go visit with my dad, uncle, aunt, grandparents, friends and my childhood dog, Winkum!!! I can't wait to see his wagging little tail!! Oh, but seriously, this book is great.

So its no secret that my dad committed suicide. (Somehow that always manages to come up, huh?) Well, I have always wanted to do something, something to help. That is where that article on suicide awareness comes into play. On a normal basis I never would have went to this website or seen the article, but since then I have learned a lot. I am also beginning to see suicide in a different way, not like most individuals. Now, this may upset some people and I am sorry, but it is the analogy that I am going to use. People commit suicide everyday, but they are never remembered. They are forgotten or maybe they were never even thought about to begin with. On 9/11, our country was hit with one of the biggest if not the biggest tragedies ever, the loss of so many lives due to terrorism. On the anniversary this past weekend, I did not watch the news, listen to the radio or have anything to do with it. That is how I handled it. Why? Because though it was a horrible tragedy, no one is being secretive about all the suicides that occurred, even the ones that chose to commit suicide and I don't mean the terrorist. You see, those people that jumped from those buildings thought to themselves, I have no other choice, and well, most people who commit suicide have the exact thoughts running through their mind just before they pull the trigger, step of the chair, or take a bottle of pills. Though there is a big difference, at the same time, there are one in the same, (of course this my opinion). And every year we remember all those that we lost, but we don't ever really take the time to remember the mothers, fathers, sons, daughters who have taken their own life, and left behind a family and friends to cope with the loss, to try and figure out why, and put the pieces back together. The reality is you can't ever put it back together, you can't ever figure out why, you learn to cope with your everyday feelings and sadness. Me, I hide it behind my smile as I look at my beautiful children, and I see my dad in them. I know he is here, Ansley is always telling me how she sees Pop in the house and how he is always smiling at me. I want to believe her, I do believe her, I have caught glimpses of him, but to know that he is smiling at me, just makes me cry. No matter how many years go by, one thing will always be certain, and that is I am a daddy's girl at heart, and I want him to be proud of me. And I think he is, I think he is proud of all of us. He may not be so thrilled that it took us this long to get to this point, but now he can rest in peace because his family isn't torn apart anymore.

Okay, so if you haven't figured it out, I want to write about my experience, struggles, happiness, anger, hatred, and all the other feelings I felt when I received that phone call May 27, 2003 that my father was no longer living, and that he had shot himself. Now, will this book ever get published, who knows, will it help another daughter who went through what I did, maybe, hopefully....but most importantly, I feel it will help me. Finally, I can tell my story, the way it happened for me, what I felt, what I experienced, not what you saw on the outside, but I felt on the inside and how it has impacted my life today. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the insignificance of suicide to people, how its a world unknown and unspoken. That is a change I want to work on. You have Race for the Cure, Relay for Life, March of Dimes, Alzheimer's walks, and walks for everything and you see it published...they make you aware. But not suicide, not the walk for those who have been impacted by this painful life experience. And you know what, there is a walk out there! Heck, I just found out about it, never heard of it before, I have never seen it advertised on a bulletin board, in a local magazine, newspaper or on tv, just online, on its website. Wow! People have such taboo thoughts on suicide that they don't even mention a walk to remember these people, and they were living breathing people too. Most of you know this is something that I have always been passionate about, and now I feel that God is leading me to do more...Please pray that I can hear him and that I listen. And most of all pray for the families that lost a family member to suicide today, because it did happen.

Sometimes the tears just pour like rain...



Yellow isn't just for soldiers...its for suicide victims too

 I am sitting here at my computer, crying, know that I should be in bed right now. I know that 6:45am comes early, and not feeling well on top of that, well bed is where I should be, but here I am on my blog.

I want to thank the people who have inboxed me on facebook about suicide and how it has affected their life in some way, or even depression. That makes this battle all the more important to me, but its still such a taboo subject, I plan to begin to change that, at least here in my area or where ever I can.

Anyways, I keep checking the page that I have created to invite others to join my team and walk on October 9, 2011, in an Out of the Darkness, Prevent Suicide and make Awareness. I pretty much sent to everyone on my friends list. I know that some defintely can't come because they live in NY or Florida. But I am surprised by those who aren't attending that are so close. Maybe it wasn't enough time for people to plan. Maybe it was my fault, because I was unable to attend 2 very special occassions for one of my closest friends.(Now granted, I know she has a reason she can't come, and whatever it is I understand). Maybe this is my karma. But please know that just like everyone else who loses a loved one to a sudden death, you are not alone...there are groups out there, and finally, finally, after 8 years I have found mine.

I am not ashamed of my father in any way. I love him more and more each day even if he can't hug me and kiss me my cheek and tell me it will be okay. I can't pick up the phone anymore to hear his voice...just saying my name...I can't sit on the porch with him and have discussions that are so beyond my realm of intelligence, but I loved every minute of it...because I was with him, just us. So here it is National Suicide Awareness and Prevention week and no one seems to care, not the news not anyone...unless you count their recent loss, meaning the news. And Sunday, wow what a day. Not only is it World Wide Suicide Awareness and Prevention, but its the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Can you even think what will get the most attention? Please don't get me wrong, I hate that so many lives were lost that day and thankful that my friends and their family in NY are all okay. But there are those that chose to committ suicide on that day. They saw no other way out. How do you think a person who committs suicide feels just before they pull the trigger...there is no other way out. So think about it because these 2 events go hand in hand. But because of the 9/11 tragedy, their suicides are treated differently, than those of us who lost a loved one, on a normal day, no planes crashing into buildings, no terriost attacks...but we too, are still left behing to pick up the pieces without memorials or candle light vigels. No one wants to talk to us about the suicide that happened in our live, they don't want to gather at Gibbs Stadium and remember the mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, friends, military soldiers, who killed themselves not because of 9/11 but because in their mind they saw no other way.

If you are interested here is a link to my team page, we have decided Team "Pop" was most appropriate.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/teampop

Check it out, donate online, email me...I am here for anyone who has ever had a loss to suicide or is fighting depression. Only through Awareness and Prevetion can we make people realize this is a National story and tragedy.

No stranger to the word suicide...and the darkness it brings

I am almost certain you know how this will start...I have thought and thought all day on what to sit and type, the words flowing in my brain a thousand times a minute. But now as I sit here in front of the computer, I am not drawing a blank, I am not crying, at least not yet...I am thinking about suicide and it affects so many people, common people, like me and you. Not just celebrities who go broke, or get depressed, may God bless all of them and their families during these times. But what about me? On May 27, 2003, my father killed himself, yes he went and did the forbidden, he committed suicide. He left behind, me at the age of 23, my brother who was 31, (strangely, that is how old I am), 2 beautiful grandchildren, his wife, his mother, his sister, and three brothers. Did you ever see it on the news? Did you hear about a candle light vigel in his memory. No. Actaully, no one knew what happened. Most thought he went to sleep and never woke up. As you see it didn't occur in our homestate of South Carolina, at the time his job transferred him to Chattanooga, TN, where in less than ONE hour his death was ruled suicide, and his body was loaded into the coroners van, off to the morgue and put in a pine box in the same clothes he had been wearing, a yellow button up collared shirt, blue jeans, and his belt, a braided one, and he was shipped home with other peoples luggage. Not much honor in that. Those people, even if it is thier job, could care less, that I was a daddy'd girl...and talked to him on the phone almost everyday, and he sounded happier than he had ever been. That one day in May tore my family apart for years, and it seems that we are just now beginning to pick up the pieces. It's just so odd that of all the times I was online, God brought me to a particular website hi-lighting that September 4-10 is Suicide Prevention and Awareness week with Sunday being World Wide Suicide Awareness day. It is weird because it's like I have this skeleton in my closet, and I am supposed to be ashamed, keep it a secret...keep smiling, make up some reason why he isn't here. Well, I am sorry, but I am not longer playing that role. I am standing up and telling it like it is...within the last 48 hours I know of 2 suicides that were successful and a third that wasn't, not for the likes of trying. And then I read an article that says its genetic...and was actually told that because my father killed himself I am much more likely to committ suicide as well. Really??? Don't get me wrong, sometimes it seems like such a wonderful way out...but my life isn't bad. I have 2 beautiful children, a neice, three nephews, a brother, my mother, a grandmother, and lots more family that need me. But most of all its my children and my husband. I want them to know me and I want them to know their "Pop", because they never will if I am not here to tell them. I lost so much on that day...most of which I will never get back, but I remember my dad...now all I have are memories, a feeling in my heart to make others aware of this deep dark secret that some many people have experienced. A friend from college, her brother shot himself in a church parking lot while we were in high school....my uncle took too many pills and drank a can of beer, my cousin just last year overdosed on his mothers morphine, a close friend drank anit-freeze in college, thankfully he was found and saved, however, another friend from high school wasnt as lucky, her father shot himself, and then my aunts husband called my mother to see when she was coming home, (this is when she lived in Barnwell, after my dad had passed) when they pulled into the drive way there he was hanging from a tree with his belt. I remember at church a mother of someone that I went to school with, giving her testimony about how she tried to kill her herself and was unsuccessful. I have strangers, friends of friends and so on, confide in me their suicide story, you see we are all affected, not just me, even though that is what it feels like. I had a friend whose father committed suicide, he and I became even closer after my dad passed, I finally had someone to talk to, someone who know how I felt, someone who understood me, and then on October 22, 2005 he was killed in an automobile accident.

I have read numerous stories about children and teens who are driven to suicide because of bullies. What is wrong with this picture? We are losing soldiers everyday, not too mention that their suicide rate is quite high. When did life become worth not living, when did your loved ones become worth not living for? Unfortuantely, that one statement contradicts everything that I have ever said about my dad taking his own life. Call me a hypocrite. My father was 50 years old when he killed himself. I tell myself and anyone that asks, he was a grown man, he could make his own decisions and he believed that if chose this route, we, his family, were strong enough to pick up and keep going. I wonder what he thought as he watched as we each deteriated in our own ways, me, well it took some time for it to even hit me, mom, she didn't get of the bed for months, my brother went on a binge. There we were a family so torn apart, but he must of thought we could make it. And you know what, there are parts of me that say it wasn't suicide at all, but I have been told that those who experience such a traumatic event like suicide will "make up" other reasons for the death. So, in that aspect I am suppose I am a liar too. The truth is I am torn right down the middle, I know my dad was capable of doing it, he told me to my face, and yet when I looked at the Crime Scene Photos, it just didn't look right....so many things out of place, so many stories that didn't make any sense, like for starters, why would he use the gun my brother has just but him for Christmas, he had 2 others in a closet and one in his truck. Why was his body positioned in such a way on the couch that he was half way off, as if someone was sitting on him, was was his belt undone and tucked under his jeans, his legs crossed perfectly...why was everything so perfectly set up? Oh, and how come the neighbors could hear his dog Missy yapping over the weekend, a miniature yorkie, but you mean to tell me that NO ONE heard the sound of a .45 glock going off? And I am sure you are thinking to yourself, oh my goodness, she has seen all the photos, yes, I have and that is not how I think of him at all. I don't think of him in a casket, I think of him alive, sitting on the front porch talking to me when he got home from work. I think of me crawling into his lap and getting butterfly kisses, since I was too old for the others kisses! I think of the hard working, respectable man he was, the man that would do anything he had to for his family, even if it meant sacrificing for himself. You see, just one week earlier, well, the date he received it was May 22, I sent him a card, it was a thank you card, he sent me $100 to help with my rent down in Charleston, I remember he told me, he wished he could send more but that is all he had...and in the card I wrote, thank you, told him how much I loved him, how well we were doing and that I need to him to stay strong because I needed my daddy for a long time, 5 days later he was gone. That is the hardest memory that I have to deal with, I borrowed money, what if that could have saved his life? Yes, I know we could always ask what if, but if you want real, then this is it. Stepping back a minute, I no longer have the pictures. Once we started our family we decided that it was best to destroy them, by burning them. I didn't want my children to EVER stumble upon those pictures. However, I still have all the paperwork, medical and dental records, that I will keep. I am sure that most people who see and meet me don't think I have this dark secret hidden in my heart, but I do. Everyday I think about him, and what he is missing out on, he didn't get to walk me down the aisle, but I am thankful that my brother was there to fill his shoes when I needed him. He isn't going to meet his new grandchildren, and unfortunately only one really remembers him, my neice was too young, but she did write him a letter and it was placed in his jacket pocket along with a family photo. I know, why do we do these things, their souls are long gone, but it felt right. I mean at one time I was practically curled up in his lap...I did spray him down with cologne so that he smelled like my dad even if he couldn't hold me back.

I began to look for answers. I began to seek out help from my friends who were familiar with the Bible, do you know that some wouldn't even have the conversation with me. I don't know the truth to this, but I remember learning at one time that if you commit suicide, you are never at peace, you are constantly reliving that moment and you are most definitely going to hell. I will be the first to tell you that my father is in Heaven, and when its my turn he will be waiting for me. He was a saved man, but he was a private man, a man of few words. But he was my dad and no matter what he always will be.

I ask you not to be shy or afraid to confront me about this situation. As for the stages of Grieving, I am not so sure I believe in them...only because some days I am angry, others I cry, and some days I am at peace. Guess, I am just crazy.

You can help...Septmeber 4-10 is awareness and prevention...unfortunately, my dad was in another state and sounded happier than he had in years, I saw no warning signs. So here I am  eight years later still trying to pick up pieces and keep on living.

Shoooweee...what a day!!!

I am pretty darn proud of myself, the last 2 weeks!! I have been getting up around 6:45am to get Ansley to school, and this week I have been walking each  morning with my friend Suzanne.  And I am beginning to feel the burn, but I am truly amazed at the energy I have now. I am loving the walking, but most of all the girl time! So cheesy, I know...but after living here for 5 years, I have finally met a true "girl" friend, we have so much fun together!! I love hanging out with her, talking our girl talk, exercising and overall just having a good start to our day!! Plus, I love that our children are so close in age, the girls are a yr apart and so are the boys. I think I see some great friendships blooming!!! Even though I have all this energyby the end of the day, line right now its bedtime, I am warn out and exhausted!! However, I had to blog about my day and a few other things!!

Funny story, yesterday, some how my alarm wasn't set, and at 7:33am Ansley comes into the room asking for milk...I jump up out of the bed yelling, holy cow, we are going to be late...let's go brush your teeth and hair and etc...needless to say we walked out of the house, and I had both kids, at 7:45am...yay, she was time for school. Though I did find out today that she seems to think her mommy is late picking her up! I was there with all the other parents...but she had a sour look, and informed me that I was late...well, alrighty then!! It was cute! Wow, my daughter is just like me!!! And thats funny because today I spent the day with my mom, and though I thought I would never in a million years say this, I can see myself turning into her, in certain ways of course!!! She and I were talking but at the time both our anxiety levels were high, and weren't yelling, just talking loudly...stressed out...anyway, Ansley says, "Are you guys arguing?" It was precious!! I had to tell her no, that mommy and mema were 2 peas in a pod and were just talking, she said umm, okay. But seriously, I know where my anxiety issues come from, or where I inherited them from, but my dad also had issues with anxiety. We had went to moms after I picked monkee up from school, well Adam was tired but wouldn't nap because he wasn't in a familiar place, so as all you mommies know, a cranky baby, makes for a cranky mommy! Well, Nick came over to show me his truck (story below), and also to look at something for my mom, then my brother stopped by so we could see Bradley's Clemson orange cast. He is still thinking whether or not he wants anyone to sign it!!! He is only 7!!! So the whole gang was there...mom decided to cook. While she was at the store, Nick went home to sleep, and Todd went home...and here I am left to handle mom!!! We worked it all out, Adam and I came home took naps and we all went back over and ate Spaghetti!!! Nothing like a home cooked meal to end your day!! And of course, I brought leftovers home for Nick, but umm, you know I will eat some too!!! Ansley decided to stay with mom, and I will pick her up from school. A nice little break...tho I miss snuggling!!! But all in all the point to that was, at the young age of 31, I am beginning to see my mother in me, in so many ways, but its good. My mom is a good woman, who unfortunately, has a lot of horrific situations that she has had to deal with! But she is still here and I love her...one day we will probably have matching white coats, sharing a room!!



The buck hit the grill, rolled, hit side mirror, breaking it...



So as you all know Nick works nights, and he hasn't had the best of luck when it comes to animals in the road! Also, he takes the cell phone, since I am home and have the house phone. Well, he called me this am on Suzanne's phone, asking me was the hair standing up on my neck?? I thought he had passed us and I wasn't paying attention...nope, he was calling to let me know he was still in Greenwood and on his way to the Insurance Agency...it was abt 8:30am...a buck, doe, and 2 babies decided that his truck looked like a great target...UGH! Are you kidding me...first it was a deer that hit the back, then he ran over a fox and now a whole family!!! Luckily, he is just fine. He keeps calm during those situations...me, I would have swerved, rolled, closed my eyes, screamed, prayed and probably blacked out...and then looked for my cell phone!! But he is really lucky, all the damage is cosmetic, nothing else was damaged (the frame, engine, radiator~everything all good)! Can you believe that? My husband has one busy guardian angel, but I am so thankful he has one!!



The doe took out the back side







Close up!

So, that is the truck...Now to decide what to do...fix, sale...or what...I am just thankful that he is okay! This poor truck though...I am telling you its a deer magnet!!! lol...but I really liked it...he has had it since we met and married. And monkee loves to ride with daddy, because she can look like a big girl, and have her hair blowing in the wind! Daddy likes to roll his windows down all the time...mommy, likes the AC...plus mommy has long hair and it gets tanlged easily. Speaking of here is a good picture of my with my new hair style...and believe it or not, I am still trying to get used to it!!!



So looking forward to getting some new ink....

 

I am sure you have all been aware of the blog drama I have experienced...if not, then pay this no attention...However, I do want to clarify a few things...I wrote the blog, "to borrow means to return," when I was upset, and though I did mean it, I did not mean for it to sound as though my cousin is a bad mother. I don't think it potrayed her in that way, but I wanted to clarify. Thanks to someone's childish behavior, she read my blog, and our disagreement came to an agreement, apology and we are moving on! You know, like adults are supposed to do!!! Anywho...she is a good mother. Though her youngest daughter is small, she did inform that she has been to the doctor and all is well....so that is good to know...But please keep them in your prayers, unfortunately, her hubby has to work out of town, which means she does a lot on her own...and its hard!!!

As for the cousin, that I was informed was not my kin family...haven't heard from her. Guess after having her mom facebook me, she felt better. Though I did try to txt and message her, she actually accused me of "blog blasting" how funny is that. I mean seriously, out of all the blogs in the world you pick mine to read and get angry over...well, umm, that tells me that I must have gotten to you, and maybe you should make some changes, but I don't care. We live in different states, and as her mother made it clear, we are not family. Though I am not quite sure how that works...because her hubby and children have my maiden name and are my family. Aww, whatever, it isn't worth the brain power to think about. Though I am wondering who led her to my blog. I mean by the time she read the blog it was abt 10 days old...heck, thats past...move on...but in my mind I have a few people that I think could be the guilty party, however, maybe she stumbled upon it on her own...

Moving on...Ansley started her second year of dance on Tuesday. She was so excited that when we got home from school at 10:35am, she immediately changed into her outfit and asked me every 15 minutes was it time to go!! I am excited too though. This year a great friend, fraternity sister and old college roommate, has also enrolled her daughter in the same class!! So, she and I will get to still get to see each other every week and catch up while the girls dance. I believe we have a best frienship in bloom with those two! Here is their first day of dance....



Ellie and Ansley



Well, I believe that about wraps it up for the week, well its only Wednesday, but boy it seems longer than that!! Oh, and I have also been busy "Fall" cleaning, and let me tell you IT FEELS GREAT!!! I am getting rid of all kinds

 of stuff...took donations to Salvation Army, Helping Hands of Woodruff...going to the consignment shop on Friday...it feels good getting it out of my house, but also it really feels good to know that I am helping others...oh, and I took some clothes and a diaper bag to a friend, she and her hubby are foster parents, and in the adoption process!!! Keep them in your prayers too!!!

It feels good to be me...living my life...enjoying my family and friends...laughing about the childish stuff...smiling at all the good stuff...its good to be me...now I am off to read, "Heaven, is for real"...so good so far...based on a little boys experience of going to heaven and coming back...

On another note...I am asking for you to please keep my friends, the Quarles' in your prayers tonight, tomorrow and everyday if you can. Thursday would have been and still is Erik's 7th birthday!! This is their older son, they also have twin daughters!!! I know its going to be a tough day, and I know everyday is a struggle, but they are strong...whether they realize it or not...she has a great blog, and you can read all about her and experience....My life without Erik, go and check it out! Its a wonderful tribute to a wonderful young man and of course his sisters too!!!

Hmm...okay, I think that about covers it for me! Ready for the weekend...going to stay with my brother and sister in law...celebrate our nephews 6th  birthday and just have a good time let the kids play and hanging out!! Who knows, I may speak some chinese!!!

Just real quick

I needed to make some corrections, well one correction to a blog that I had posted...after this correction, the situation is here by squashed...

1. My Senior Consultant, aka my cousin, who deleted me from the team page did so because it came from our director that she didn't need to have a page for consultants but one for customers, so in that I am wrong when I say she deleted just myself. My apologies.

2. I was informed that she is not my cousin, just married to my family...

So that covers it. Sorry about the error, but I was taught to admit when I was wrong. However, that whole if you have nothing nice to say then don't say it...apparently it didn't sink in well...(plus I typed it...just sayin).

A guilty conscience needs no accuser.-Proverb

I thought I would start this blog a little differently than others, well at least different to me! For those of you reading my blog, I thought I would give you a little more background on myself. I know some of you already know this but there is always another point to my "madness."

I have always loved to write. Always. I have kept journals, some that got me in trouble with my parents...lol..so from there I turned to poetry. I write what I feel at that moment, however, sometimes I have to cool down or well, it wouldn't be a good thing. Anyhow, so when I graduated high school and went to college, I finally decided upon Mass Communications as my major, in other words, journalism and broadcasting. I loved it! What a great field to go into for a person that loves to write!! So, basically what I am saying here is, well, I will continue to blog about my life as I live it. There is something that is just so calming about blogging, it's like therapy. No pretending, tell it like it is...use no names and let guilty ones weep in their own puddle. Fortunately, most everyone is familiar with our first amendment...you know the one I am talking about..."freedom of speech." With that being noted, let me just say, do not ever call my phone again and threaten me. Personally, the way I see it, guilty people will always try to turn it around on you so you feel guilty for calling them out. Which brings me to another point, considering how far you are behind on reading my blogs, apparently a current reader filled you in. You know what...it is all good. For you see, tonight when I lay down on my pillow, say my nightly prayers, and drift off to dreamland, my conscience will be clear. Okay, enough of that crap...let's  move on.

Believe it or not, Ansley has already missed her first day of school for this year. She has gotten a cold, and decided to bring it on home to the rest of the house! She was feeling so bad Thursday night and sleeping so rough that right before the alarm went off, she was sleeping so peaceful that I couldn't wake her. She needed that sleep. Well, at exactly, 7:55am, she came and wanted to know when we were leaving for school. I explained to her why she wasn't going, and it broke her heart! This child loves school and her teachers. Let's hope she keeps that attitude for the next 15 yrs or so!! Poor Adam has a runny nose...Nick is all stuffed up, Ansley is a little of both and for the moment I am okay, as long as I take my xanax, oops, I mean my Zyrtec! Whatever it takes to keep me sane....:)

We had a good weekend overall. Saturday we went to a friends birthday party, he turned 2 years old!! His mother and I met when Ansley and her daughter started taking dance last year. We decided that we were destined to meet and become good friends. Her daughter and Ansley are a year apart, and both our sons are also abt a year apart. This time last year when I was huge and pregnant with Adam, her little man was beginning to walk...and just to see how much he has grown over the last year! Wow!!! So we went to his birthday and celebrated and of course lets the kids play!! Now, I will not tell a lie, I had some fun with the sidewalk chalk...but the bubbles, not so much, my fat fingers couldn't get the stick out of the bottle! It was a good time. So you are probably asking yourself why were we destined to meet. I had a cousin who was abt my age, maybe a year younger or maybe a year older, I am not exactly sure. We had met a few times. He was a great guy, handsome, but would you expect anything else from our family...lol...I was in college when the accident happened. I remember finding out about Gabe's passing, and then having to go and take the Praxis. We never know why God chooses to take the good ones, but sometimes its the best ones he takes, but having faith in God allows us to know he is in Heaven, at peace and always with us. His name is Kenneth Gabriel, we called him Gabe, and apparently, I had a crush on him when we were little...not realizing we were cousins, but hey, this is the South....JUST KIDDING!!!! Okay, back on topic. It turns out my friend's son is named Bryson Gabrielle, and yes it is after my cousin. Wow, I thought to myself what a small world! Gabe's father is her uncle...anyways, she and I have really hit it off! She knows my aunt and uncle and I believe we have some other mutual friends and family. But over the last year she and I have gotten to be good friends, so have our girls...and just before school started, I reminded her that our play dates wont end...since our boys are so close in age!! I think it's great. I sit and think about 10 years from now, how they will all be playing...cheesy, I know, but I love it! So, anyway, we knew that we were destined to meet and become good friends!

On another note, Ansley went to bed tonight without her tv. Her sassy mouth, (I have no idea where she gets that from), once again got her in trouble. She has been talking back to mommy and daddy, nothing serious, but mumbling under her breath and occasionally saying rude comments. Tonight, her punishment was no tv. She cried for a bit, but by the time I was out of the shower she was fast asleep and I am willing to bet that she will be awake in the morning before the alarm goes off. Naturally, Adam went to bed with no problems, he is pretty good about taking naps and going to bed, though that may have jinxed it! Ha!! I will say that Ansley has been doing much better with napping.

That was our weekend...family time, the best time. Now we are starting a new week, and on the calendar it doesn't look crazy, but I am sure that will change! Ansley starts dance on Tuesday, she is excited!! And I must say that I am happy about the time change!!! Her class is now earlier, which for a child her age, it makes the night easier on me...well, I think anyways!!!

I do have some prayer requests...first, please pray for my nephew Bradley, he broke his arm tonight outside playing, and can you believe that they do not set the breaks in the ER anymore?? Now they just stabilize it until you can get to an orthopedic doctor. Second, pray for some very close friends of mine, this coming Thursday would have been their son's 7th birthday. You can read about her journey here, ashleyquarles.blogspot.com/ it's entitled My life without Erik. We are going to celebrate his life, on Saturday at his Nana's house. Please pray that my children, and that includes the hubby, all begin to feel better soon, and that mommy doesn't catch it!!! And say a prayer for all those who need it, and because of Irene there are a lot of prayers that need to be sent up...and pray for those you may dislike, it wont hurt you, there is a reason people choose to lead the lives they live, we have to pray that they find their way to God. On that note, hope everyone has a fantastic week!

Want some cheese with that whine...

Ladies, you know what I am talking about Mother Nature and her oh so sweet gift she delivers to us! I mean really, what is the purpose? I am trying, well taking, Seasonique, its the birth control where you only have your period every 3 months...hahaha...right! Apparently, my body misread the instructions on the box! The first 3 months were awful, the second 3 months not too bad, but right now, the heating pad is my bff! Plus, I am really hurting at my incision, you know, from my C-Section. I am thinking it's probably because I used those muscles and haven't in a long time, but let me tell you, it is painful!! I know, I know...lots of complaining! I am just in a blah mood and do not feel well! I need some of Ansley's energy from her bubble!!

Adam and I took my truck this am to have the oil changed, while there I asked the gentleman could they vacuum it. His reply was, their vacuum isn't heavy duty and the wash and vacuum would be $15 dollars extra plus another hour waiting...needless to say my truck is still dirty, and there are still crumbs in the floor! I blame the kids...hehehe...so anyways, today was also ladies day, so the oil change was half off, and I got a free mini manicure. Not bad! Oooooh, the best part, Adam was good!! I ended up feeding him breakfast there, so I am sure that made for a happy baby!

Back to complaining....why is it that when you don't feel very well, your daughter, at least in my case, decides this the day she wants to be sassy. No matter what I ask her to do, I get a sassy response. Like right now, she and Adam have most of my tupperware all over the kitchen floor, I asked her to pick it up and play with some of her toys, her reply "I don't want to play with my toys." Great, then lets throw them away, No mommy you will not throw them away.

I can say that I am excited about the Switch A Roos Consignment here in Spartanburg this weekend, and since I am a consignor, I get to go Thursday night for the pre-sale. I am actually going to go through Ansley's closet and see what kind of shirts she needs, sweaters, and what not...oh, and dance leotards! Well, my plan is do that! At the rate I am going I am liable to be in bed at 8p with the kids! Seriously, though I am excited to see everything that the consignment sale will have...even if I don't purchase anything, its still so much fun to look! They have everything you can think of and even some items you wouldn't think of! So if you are in the area, it will be this Friday, Saturday and Sunday at the Spartanburg Auditorium, and Sunday is half off, if the consignor allows it...and of course it is free to get in!!!

One last complaint for the day...as you know I am an Independent Consultant for Thirty One...well, they have re-written their policies and procedures for online use, basically, I can't have a fan page, I can however, have a private group, but I can't ask anyone to book parties or check out my website...wtc? Are you kidding me, now how I am I supposed to really get the word out there about the online catalog, specials and so on. I wonder what happened for them to make these changes. And for the record, my senior consultant aka the habitual liar, aka my cousin, deleted my off her group page! Now that is leadership for you!! Way to set an example...but its okay by me, I would much rather talk with a director that I already know. So, if you are interested in the great products, let me know! Would love to book some parties!!

Well, I am going to begin the nightly routine for the children. Argh, I wish I felt better or that these cleaning fairies or my fairy godmother would show up and take charge for a little bit and let me rest...but since that's not going to happen, hope everyone has a wonderful night!

Busy Bee...Ansley

Wow, what a whirlwind it has been the last few weeks. It had me almost wondering if my anxiety meds were really working! I know this blog is about my life and what happens, but unfortunately, I can't really discuss a certain situation. So why I am writing about it to really write around it, you may ask? Well, lets just say it truly had an impact on me. It definitely made me think, and begin to reevaluate a few areas in my life. I like to think of it as a wake up/warning call from God. And why yes, I most definitely took the hint or kick in the butt rather! All in all lets just say it turned out positive. Last week was hectic. Just the thought of it alone had my anxiety rushing. Somehow, all of my appointments got scheduled in the same week, we had visitation from Ansley's teachers, a playdate and went to my moms in there too. The playdate was a blast. We went to the Children's Museum in Greenville, and I think we had just as much fun as the kids did...including Adam, looking forward to going back there again.

Speaking of Ansley and her teachers, let me tell you about an incident. For those of you who actually know Ansley, she is a very intelligent and well behaved 3 yr old. Now of course we have our issues, but that is normal. Anyhow, she is a part of the 3K program at Woodruff Primary School, which it seems that if you ask any moms out there in the community, this program is for slow children, behavioral problems and so on. (I think you get the point). It is a horrible stigma that is attached to this program. My daughter is none of the above. As of today there are only 4 students in her class, and I believe there can be 10. These children are tested and selected for the program. Now yes, some of the children do need help in some areas, for example, my nephew, was a part of this class and he went to speech. Well, trying to make a long story short...another parent just really ticked me off. At first she was interested in trying to get her child into the program, but when I asked how the testing went, I was told that she wasn't going through with it. She had been informed that program could actually have the opposite affect on her child. These children in this program were "slow", had behavioral issues, and for the most part aren't disciplined at home. I was really offended. My daughter has learned so much in this class. She can already write the letter "A", recognize it in words along with many other letters. She still uses her manners, behaves, and is no way affected by undisciplined children. What an awful way to categorize children. It just makes me so angry that some of these parents are so uppity that they are too good for certain programs, and not mention people! I am thankful for the opportunity given to Ansley to start school, she loves it and it gives me a couples hours in the am to get things done. Okay, stepping down from that soap box.



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Ansley's first day of school



Speaking of school, Monday was her first day. She was too cute and super excited! I asked if she wanted me to walk with her to her classroom and she quickly told me, "No mom, I know where my class is." Most parents are crushed, I was okay...more amazed at her answer than anything! She loves school! She talks about how she plays on the playground, reads books, eats a snack and she drinks her milk cold! Which you see is a big deal, because here at home, it must be warm for her to drink it. Tonight she told me that she likes it cold, but that I can continue to warm it up, that is okay with her! She cracks me up sometimes! We have been trying to get her into a routine each day and night, but last night she picked up the phone, (when she was supposed to be asleep) and hit redial, luckily my brother was the last person I had talked too, so she called him and talked to him and Bradley. And then tonight the phone rang and it was her Uncle Mike, Nicks brother, she answered the phone then!!! (Again, she was supposed to be sleeping). Sitting downstairs on the couch I could hear her talking to her dolls and stuffed animals and then silence...she must have finally fallen asleep. That child is one big bubble full of energy. If only I could just borrow some of it, maybe the house would be cleaner...dinner would be cooked, clothes folded and put away...then again who am I kidding...I have kids, my house is clean compared to what it could be!!!

Over the weekend we had company, some friends of ours, and their little girl Ellie. Her mom and I go back to our freshmen year at Lander where we both cheered on the cheerleading squad, pledged ZTA, and became roommates! And now we have signed our little girls up for dance!! And they both will be taking the same class!!! I love it! It was a good day...after dance registration, the girls played and we ate steak, yummy!!! Then we just relaxed the rest of the day! I couldn't have asked for a better weekend or better friends! I also went to college with her hubby, and Nick has been playing softball with him the last year and a half.

I think that about catches me up. I know I mentioned a incident with another cousin but never went into any specifics, I am trying to decide if she is really worth my time blogging about. When basically, it boils down to her being a habitual liar, and unfortunately uses her children's illnesses to get attention...however, for the record, I am very glad that her children are okay and that her son is in remission since he started treatment. But as an individual, she is not someone I want to be associated with. And really the whole incident was childish, but I had enough of her lies. I just can't wrap my brain around habitual liars and why they do it.



Red hair



I am planning to try and post more often, but believe it or not, I am exhausted. I have been getting up, granted its only been 2 days...lol...at 6:45am and getting monkee ready for school and then feeding Adam. But it still makes for a long day. And I quite proud of myself, I have gotten up with no problems, and the same with monkee! Oh, and I have to say that I have the greatest hubby in the world. He came home from picking up Ansley from my moms on Friday and surprised me with a massage!! He had made the appointment while he was out! Oh, it was awesome...how come its one of those addictions that you don't ever want to end!!! Also, I decided to color my hair...I was bored. Normally, I am dirty blonde, and usually lighten it...well not this time. I let Nick pick out the color, and he chose Auburn...so that's right, my hair is red!!  We have a busy few weeks ahead of us...with school, dance and birthday parties!! The life of a parent, there is never a dull moment! I love it.

Also, please say a prayer for some of my friends. One friend has chosen to leave her husband, a decision that was a good choice for her but very hard. She really needs uplifting. An another friend who is fighting to her daughter back. She already has full custody, but if I understand correctly, she moved out of state, but allowed the dad to have his visitation and now he wont allow her to come home. Amazing isn't it. Sometimes the laws of our country are just downright stupid! And remember to smile and kill them with kindness...at least that is what I am learning to do, that and delete them on facebook!!

to borrow means to return...

As a kid I always looked forward to the day when I would be out of school and no longer dealing with drama...then came college and more drama, and I couldn't wait to just get out into the real world and start my life, well guess what, drama came with that too. For the most part I have learned to ignore it, as I still find it childish, but in a few cases I have succumbed to the childish level of others and entered the world of drama! I know you all probably find that so hard to believe...but it's true.

Now I am on my third draft of this blog...still trying to decide how to discuss this issue. And really if this is the Life I live, then I might as well just tell it like it is or there is no reason to have my blog. There was a time when I didn't trust anyone, you had to prove yourself to me first. As I have gotten older I have veered from this way of thinking. I have become a lot nicer, and tolerant of people and their behavior. I have actually read that having children makes you more sentimental, softer, nicer, overall a better person. Now of course, we all know that in the real world,some parents are just plain dumb and worse, they are mean. So again, I am here finding myself tiptoe around the situation. Certainly, you are reading this blog for a reason, and it isn't to read excuses of why I can't tell it like it is...so screw it, here goes...

We all have family, we all feel like we can trust our family, that we are blood and thats thicker than water, whatever that means. Well, its unfortunate that in my family there are some that can't be trusted as far as you can throw them, thankfully they are distant relatives, but well, they still have my maiden name and have definitely made a name for themselves.

When I had Ansley I kept everything. I bought a huge tupperware container and put her clothes in them as she out grew them, each container was labeled with all the contents and sizes. Naturally, most everything was pink, since she was the first female Prochaska in over 60 years. A cousin found out she was pregnant, and she didn't have anything at all, they were living in government housing were about to have their vehicle repossessed and so on. I told her that she was more than welcome to BORROW, Ansley's things such as her crib, changing table, a wipe warmer, mattress, sheets, bumper, stroller, car seat, and all of her clothes from 0-6 months. By this point she did already know it was a girl. I told her that all I asked is that if anything is stained just throw it away. I didn't want the stained items. Luckily, I took out her coming home outfit and a few other very important outfits. Within a week of telling her that she could use everything she had found a way to come all the way to Woodruff, and pick everything up. I told her there was no rush, Ansley was about 18 months and we had no need for any of it, but please keep it together because I wanted it back. Really, would I go to the trouble of buying containers, labeling them with the contents and sizes, if I was just going to discard them? So here we are almost 2 years later...Ansley will be 4 in December, and Adam will be 1 in October. When I first found out that I was pregnant with Adam I told her that I wanted the clothes back, but not the crib or changing table because she was still using them and I wouldn't ask for them back. She kindly filled me in on how she wasn't sure which clothes were whose and that oddly her daughter was just now wearing 6 month old clothes...WTC! Her daughter would soon be a year old...and she was this tiny, my first thoughts are...take your child to the doctor! Well, the time came when we found out we were having a boy, but I still texted her and told her that I wanted my things back, at least the clothes. She wanted to know why, I was having a boy, why did I want all these girl things! Well, for starters, they are mine and basically that is what it really boils down too, but at the same time there were several items that Adam could also use. Here came the excuses...again, everything was mixed up, she was still using them, she had no way to get them to me...then she asked why I wanted them back. Other than the fact that they belonged to me, there were sentimental reasons, but also monetary ones too. I consign my children's clothes so that I can buy them new clothes for the next season. She asked, could she purchase everything from me because she had a friend that needed it all. I talked to Nick and we agreed that was fine. Of course, she couldn't pay a lot, but we came to the agreement of $150, and she would send us the money at tax time. Naturally, you know the next part, or it wouldn't be a blog!! No money...again I have contacted her and wanted to know when she was going to return my belongings. She tried to say that her daughter was just now in 12 months, well thats great, because all you borrowed of mine was 0-6 months...she said she was done with the crib and changing table as well! Great! You can now return it all. I thought it was a simple yet great plan. However, she didn't. Personally, I think its funny because via text she is cursing me and telling me how she is not dealing with high school drama...and that I had given the items to her, I had said it right in front of another cousin and his wife...bahaaaahahahaa...umm, take a moment to laugh, I had too. Number 1, I would never give anything away, I allowed you to "borrow" it, but you don't know what that means, number 2, I didn't say anything in front of either one of them, when it comes to lies, honey they are by far worse than you.(yes, that is kinda like a compliment). Finally I told her the bottom line was, I allowed her to borrow the items, and I wanted them returned. She had figured out a way to come and get them all, she can figure out a way to bring it back. She exclaimed that I haven't been home the few times she has tried to bring it...I never answered the phone. I told her she could leave it on my porch, my neighbors wont steal...So long story short, turns out that me trying to help her and her family, backfired. I never got a thank you note, never got anything returned, I was lied too and it really pisses me off. I am still trying to get the items back, though unfortunately, she is a liar and a thief and I will never get the items in question returned.

You know, it really feels good to just get this out. Yes, its a childish matter, but it is something that matters to me, so its not so childish to me. Not to mention the fact, that I was raised to take care of others belonging, heck technically, my mom didn't want me to borrow anything, just for reasons such as this. Lesson learned. Now when I consign or donate items, I make sure the family or cause is worthy. Too many people out there take advantage of our system, use their childrens' sickness to get sympathy, pity and help. It sickens me that people like this exist. But day by day, I am still teaching myself that God will be the judge not me, til then I will just blog about it all.