Dreams...what dreams

Poof...and just like that all of my dreams were gone...demolished, flattened...but oh well, I am sure Einstein has many ideas, or dreams that were flattened before he found something worthy...well, for about 5 years or more I have had a dream of opening my own business. Granted I have come up with several different ideas, all of which I thought would work here in Woodruff, but well the truth is, they wont. This is a wonderful town to live in, at least I think so, I love the school systems, my home, the fact that I am 30 minutes from Greenville and Spartanburg. I have begun to make some new friends. But well, the fact of the matter is, a business of my desire would not fit the town of Woodruff, though, I must say it is a good idea. But all good ideas cost money, and I don't know if you have noticed but that tree in my backyard is bare and has been for a long time now. lol.

But at the same time I feel like I am being pushed and pulled into another direction. One that I have always wanted to participate in but I just didn't know how or what to do. I believe I have said this before, but I just finished reading "Heaven is for real," and it was such a wonderful book. Its nice to breakaway from the same old books,for me they are always murder mystery (my favorites), and this book was nothing like that. It made me feel good inside. It made me excited about God and the Heavens and all my family, and family pets that one day I will reunite with. Most of all, it made me realize that yes, physically my father is no longer on this earth, but he is here spiritually, he is with me everyday, he watches me and one day we will be reunited. Okay, so the point of that...writing. Its my passion. I love to do it, though sometimes everything comes out so random, but it still makes sense. I used to think my purpose was about bullying, and making people aware that it goes on, and that no one truly sees the extent until it goes to far. I am definitely all for the anti-bullying laws, but after writing about only a few experiences from my childhood, I feel compelled to go in another direction. Believe me it has felt so good to get all of it off my chest, and of course I wonder if any of the girls that did those awful things to me have ever read my blog, and if they have, what do they think today? Part of me actually thinks they would read it and laugh, but to me that is just the type of people they are. So anyways, back on point. Day to day we all have struggles, some small some so large that it seems no one can help. Last night I actually sat down and began to write...not type, weird I know! But I am in the beginning phases of writing my book, which has changed. In all honesty, I am doing this for me, not be selfish, but for closure, and well I really don't think that will ever occur. But I am in the process of writing the Prologue to my book. I have no intentions on writing the book here on my blog, I do plan to write the prologue so that you can all read it and possibly give me some advice, positive criticism and so forth. but I fell that God is leading me in the direction of Suicide Awareness and Prevention...maybe there are other girls, women, who are out there and are just as lost as I am, picking up the fragmented pieces trying to figure out what went wrong, and then maybe they have found a way to deal with it and they can help me. Because after writing that I do not believe in stages of grief, God quickly showed me that I am far from over my dad's death. I just have nice way of covering it up, making nice, and pretending all is good in my world, for the sake of the others who depend on me. And trust me its more than just my hubby and children. I want to be everything that God wants me to be and we have to start somewhere. So I am taking the plunge. I ask that you pray for me as I take this challenge on full force...with God's help, of course. I am planning to write my story, a daddy's girl, left behind struggling to put the pieces together so that life can keep going...and realize that no matter how long its been, its a wound that is always fresh, and always will be, but don't mistake that as me not wanting to talk about him because I do. I may not have lost a child, and I pray daily for my friends that have, may they find peace, even if just for that day...but I have lost a parent, and though we usually expect to outlive our parents, we don't usually think that one of them would make the choice to leave this world, on their own terms, never saying goodbye, never even telling us why. You see I didn't get any last words, I didn't get any hugs or kisses or I love yous. What I live with is guilt...because I had not seen my dad in quite some time, though we talked daily, and the last thing I ever did was ask to borrow money....I can't change that...but please don't shut me out because my loss isn't like yours. I hurt, I cry...I smile, I think of all the times we had together and all the times we could be having together...I can't pick up the phone and call him, I can't rush into his room or house and just wrap my arms around him and hug him one last time and scream I love you to the moon and back daddy! We may be different in our losses, but on the inside we feel some of the same feelings if not a lot of the same ones...so don't be so quick to shut everyone out...here I am 8.5 years later, realizing that is exactly what I did, and now I feel like I am starting all over right from the beginning, May 27, 2003...