Hello...is anyone there?

Right here, right now...I feel 10x better than I did 2 hours ago. I don't know why but I do. But at 7:00pm tonight if you could have read all that I was thinking, you probably would have me committed. Heck, you might still try!



I feel like I have everything, well, maybe not everything, having my dad around be nice...but lets get real that isn't going to ever happen, at least not until we meet in Heaven. But I do have a wonderful life that I really truly love. I have the most beautiful children, well mannered, polite and all of the above, but yes they can also be little Tasmanian devils...I have a great husband, who I know many women would love to be married too. I know I have it made in so many ways, but I can't help but feel like I am living in a box and the walls are closing in on me...now maybe that is because I woke up today at 12:30, didn't take my daily meds and totally forgot that my in laws were coming!! (and my house was a mess). On Friday night, I stayed up all night, into the wee hours of the morning, something this body is so not used to doing. I can remember back in college just chillin at the Pi Kap house on the porch watching the sun rise, on several occasions. Though I didn't watch the sun come up, I didn't fall asleep until 7:30am, after I talked to Nick and he was on his way home. Now, why would I do something like that? I am 31 yrs young, a wife and mother of 2, why would I be selfish/childish and stay up all night? I had a great time just hanging out with an old friend and my cousin, to most of you, but to me she is like a sister. Adam was asleep and we just sat up and talked and talked and talked...okay, maybe I was doing all the talking, but she is a great listener!!! We were going through some clothes, that belong to another cousin, trying to find my son some pants to wear in the chilly mornings when I take monkee to school. Well, my OCD/ADD kicked in and I am organizing what is already organized, lol! Needless to say staying up that late really kicked my butt. Although there is no one to blame but myself. And it was a rough week for Nick as well, he has bouts of insomnia, and he had one this week, he didn't sleep for 4 days this week...can you imagine, but he still helped me as much as he could. What a great father and husband...but there are times when I know he feels I don't appreciate all that he does and Lord knows I do, I couldn't live without him.

The man of my dreams...

I can not explain what I feel at times and if I try it comes out all wrong and makes everything worse. I feel like at the age of 31 I am truly abt 80 years old. On a daily basis, I hurt, and I try not to complain, but well I do. I can not put into words how everyday is still a struggle for me in so many ways. I miss my dad. I think of him a lot. I try to always think happy thoughts. But the point is, I want to live for my husband and my children. I don't feel depressed, though I have been diagnosed with Chronic depression. Then tonight I was thinking, am I depressed? Does depression really have a feeling? Sadness...well of course I feel sad who doesn't. Have you watched the news? Is my medicine working? Well, if all of these thoughts are running through my head than I am beginning to think that they aren't working. What would happen if I weened myself off everything? Would I be mean, angry, isolate myself? Then there is my anxiety, is it anxiety, OCD, or ADD or all of it? If I stopped taking my meds for that what would happen? But are they working, or is it in my head? And of course I feel completely guilty about having to take medications to be what I call "normal", the amount of money we could save, if only I was normal! (HAHA). I am supposed to see a therapist along with seeing my psychiatrist, I haven't see the therapist in over a year...I think I could be in his office for a week!! But then I think, why?? Honestly, what is that you truly have to complain about?? And even though the answer is nothing, I do have a lot to talk about...and I know Nick is really getting tired of hearing it. And I beginning to realize that yes, you should always be able to talk to your spouse about everything but at the same time you shouldn't. If it overwhelms me, then it has to overwhelm him too...he begins to think he has done something and he hasn't...its ALL me!!! Then I wonder, would I be like this if my dad were here? But, in reality even if he didn't kill himself, by now he still could have passed away of natural causes. So where does that leave me? See what I am saying...everything is just so random.

My cousin said to me the other day, what have I done to deserve all of this that I am getting, I have done nothing but help everyone. And she is right...she will do anything for anyone, she helped me when I needed it. Right now I feel the same way...what have I done to deserve to feel like this...is this how my life is going to be...do I need medication to be normal, do I need to see therapists and a psychiatrist, a doctor for this and a doctor for that??? I just don't know anymore. All I can honestly tell you is that I have a wonderful life, a great husband and 2 beautiful children and yet there are times like tonight when I felt like running away.

I would never commit suicide, so for those of you that think I am..just stop...the thought has crossed my mind a few times, but can anyone really say they haven't thought about it? Or just wondered what life would be like if we weren't here? Would anyone really notice (besides my children and husband)? What would people say about me? UGH! Seriously, I can not put it into words all that I am feeling. I can't even say all that I am feeling for fear of judgement. Tonight, I wanted to run away and hide, be alone and just pretend I didn't exist. Whether I like it or not life is hard and I get so upset with myself for various reasons.

One being that I have a husband who always helps when I ask, but at the same time can aggravate me in a minute when it comes to the kids...its like there are some things that he doesn't notice or just doesn't get. For instance, believe it or not we have a routine, now granted it might not be right down to the minute, but every night we do the same things before bed and such, and he recently made a comment that we didn't have a routine. Umm, yes we do, you just sleep through it. Tonight we started baths at 7 and weren't finished until after 8p, and that was working together. Another one of my peeves, I guess you could call it that...is letting Adam stay in his crib after he wakes up in the am or after nap time. I don't mind a little bit, we have a monitor, and can hear him playing in his crib. But every Monday when I take monkee to school, I usually go walk with a friend, maybe even run a few errands, pick monkee up at school and when we get home they are still in the bed!! That just irks me...and why? I have no idea. I know he works nights now, and we are beginning to adjust and figure it all out...but then I have my break downs like tonight. What to do?? Oh, and I am beginning to see some of my mothers quirks coming out in me...on that note, I have come to the realization that she isn't all that bad and how I feel about certain subjects, though they are just like her, I am right in the way I feel. But that's a whole other story. It has taken 8.5 yrs for me to begin to see my mother again, in herself. I thank God that she is coming back, but a lot of her is still gone and always will be. But in some of her thinking she isn't wrong, never was.

Okay, so it looks like I have rambled and rambled and never really came to a point. Let me tell you I have had more blonde moments since dying my hair auburn than I did when I was truly blonde!! LOL If you don't believe me ask my family and friends!! We have begun to call them red moments!!!

I am thinking that maybe I should blog about a typical day in our house, and you tell me what is wrong...and trust me, I already know its all me...Girls, if you are reading this...I need a girls weekend...or maybe a new medication. Either way, I will stop here because I am exhausted and going to bed. If anybody has any advice on anxiety and trying to handle it, please let me know because until I took my meds tonight I was freaking out...now, I am calm, cool and collected...the 3 C's!!! And very tired and sore...so look out bed, move over Amaretta and Nick...make me some room, and heating pad here I come!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!!

And like I always say, Please, please smile at someone today if not everyone, you honeslty never know whose life you may save with your smile...no teeth, then show them gums!!! Smiling is great for everyone, practice...and see what it does for you and others in your life!

Ansley smiling at all of you...