Finally, it is coming to an end...well, for this year...

There is no big surprise that I despise the month of May, I mean don't get me wrong, there are great days in this month....mothers day, my moms birthday, my friend Allison's birthday, my nephews birthday...all such wonderful occasions to celebrate...but in the middle of it all, there is death...and more death...You go to sleep one night with no worries, just going to get up in the am and go to work...and then you get that phone call. I read alot the blogs on here, and its great that mommies who have angels in Heaven have one another. I really haven't found that group. I would like too, I would like to meet another daughter who lost her father to suicide, how does she feel on a daily basis, is she mad, sad, numb, what, I know I am not the only one, but I have isolated myself to make me the only one.

I remember May 2003 vividly....My dad had just taken a job in Chattanooga, TN. He loved it. I talked to him almost everyday, and he was happy. He was glad that he no longer had to deal with all the turmoil between my mother and his mother. How do you put a man in that position? Anyways, some sort of agreement was met, and my mom drove to visit my dad for Memorial Day weekend 2003, the last weekend he would be alive. The police say it was an open and shut case, suicide...one gun shot wound to the heart...no telephone to call for help, he left it in the truck. But let me rewind for a moment...I am just letting it all out...I really don't know what I am going to write next...

I was a nanny for a wonderful family in Charleston, they 3 boys, and oh, they were my sweeties, so precious and kind. On this Monday Morning, it was just the middle child and myself....my aunt had called and wanted to know the 800 number to reach my dad...I gave it to her and went on about my morning. Then my brother, my rock, at the time, called me and was crying....he wouldn't tell me anything, just that I needed to come and get him...all I could think about was Stephanie and the kids, they had been traveling over the Holiday weekend...what could it be...and then he told me...dad is dead...I screamed so loud, fell to the floor balling my eyes out.I felt so bad...I had scared Z...so I tried to remain calm and let his father know that I had to go....he had to come home...and so I left and to get my brother, we went back to our apartment. This is where I overheard my brother saying, No, that's not possible, not my dad, he wouldn't do that...I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew he didn't die in his sleep like I was hoping...I just fell to the floor screaming....why....why...How is my world crumbling all around me...I am only 23, just graduated college, barely living on my own...but everything that I knew up to this point was gone and would never ever return to normal. Grief, and the many stages you go thru....been there, done that...put the sticker on the board. I am a daddy's girl at heart...I loved sitting on the porch listening to him talk, such a smart man. I was thrilled when he went out with me the night I graduated from Lander. I was proud when he helped move me to Charleston and left me the Explorer. Naturally, I do have some regrets...would they have saved him, no. But it would have given me more time with him, instead of being selfish. June 2002, Father's Day...did I partake in the cook out for my dad? Nope, I stayed in Charleston with my boyfriend, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with...you know the one that punched me 3x in my face...Now I look back and wonder what I missed out on....I made it back for his 50th birthday...no boyfriend in tow because he hated Gwd and was not coming back, hell he wouldn't even come to my graduation from college...and he sure as hell didn't come to the funeral...even though we were somewhat dating again...his first excuse was work...lie....the real reason, he had planned a surfing trip and he wasn't about to cancel them to comfort me. I feel like I am still, 8 yrs later, running in a circle...I still ask what if...I do look at my children and just cry because they will never have the chance to meet my dad. So I am in a group too...unfortunately I haven't found any other friends in the same group. I did have one...Rahim, one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever had the pleasure and honor to know. He was there for me...we shared a common bond, his father committed suicide too...I felt safe talking to him..he understood me, my emotions, the roller coaster that I was on....but then Oct 22 2005, he was killed in a car accident...I never talked about my dad to anyone else...and still really don't. I feel this is my burden to carry and no one else's. I try to make the best of it...wishing I could change a few things...but I can't, and as for my grief stages, I have accepted that my father was a grown man, and he was  allowed to make his own decisions regarding his life. I am just still trying to piece it together as to why he chose this way out? What about me? Todd, mom, the grand kids...sure life gets rough but everyday on the phone he was happy!!! Seriously happy.

I can't believe that its been 8 long years...and you what is really interesting...I tried to call him 3 different times to tell him something that Ansley or Adam had done, he would have been so proud. So how does one pick up a phone, begin to dial a number only to realize he wont answer...I don't want to forget our butterfly kisses, or that yes my daddy would rub my back and play with my hair if I wanted him too...and at the age of 23 I could still climb into his lap and find my cozy spot. I did a lot of changing over the last 8 years, some of you would say that I am well, some of you might say that I am holding back...well everybody is right...but seriously what does it do....a few weeks ago we celebrated Tuckers life with a cookout...it felt great...I cried, but it was great...I have accepted my fathers death and I still mourn. I think about the times we had...I want to share them with my children.One therapist told me that making up stories is how some of us deal with suicide. I feel with my heart and my gut that there is more to my fathers death than we all know...and will ever know. But I am not some stupid statistic on your board, that states, "watch her, she has a greater chance of following in her daddy's footsteps." That is not me...I have a beautiful, wild, intelligent, sometimes too intelligent, talented little girl who is going to need me during her life, even when she thinks she hates me the most, I will be there....I have a son, who is growing up way too fast...crawling everywhere, already pulling up...beginning to walk the furniture...he needs me too...I need him...and more than anything in this world I need my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, the one who knows me inside and out and still loves me with all my flaws and baggage. But I don't want to be a burden....those days that I lose it....I don't want to bring anyone down with me...I don't think its fair...but wow, to have someone who understands me again...now that would be nice. My father is resting in peace, he is in Heaven with God our Father, and I don't care what anyone thinks abt that...I know there will come a day when I will run to him with open arms and he will hug me...just a little too tight, just to make sure I know he loves me...

My uncle died on Memorial Day 1999, my dad was 4 yrs later, Memorial Day 2003, and my aunt passed away last year May 20, due to a pulmonary embolism...and to add to it this year Tucker passed away...I know the what ifs could kill you, but I am one of those people who analyze everything...and when I look back at that time, I wasn't the best daughter I could have been. I was selfish. I chose to stay in Charleston and not spend one last Fathers Day with him, I asked him to borrow $100...which he gave me, and in the card dated May 22, 2003...I told him that he needed to take care of himself because I wanted my dad to be around for a long time...and then just like that he was gone....no goodbyes, no letter, no reasons, tho I do have a few ideas....It is truly amazing how just one day, can change your world forever. And I know some of you understand that all too well. I wish I would have come back home and fought harder to keep our land...but I didn't....I wish I could have talked to him one more time just to say I love you...but I didn't...I wish I had picked up on something...but I didn't. My whole family life has forever changed. I am not that same girl, who was 23, working as a nanny, and got the call that her father was dead. I packed my things and went straight home...I remember my biggest ordeal was his obit, it read the body....I was disgusted....I told him that I would write it myself with the help of my uncle, but he wasn't just a body, he was a son, brother, husband, grandfather, and friend to some. I slept in my parents bed while I was home. It was me, Ash, Brooke and mom, I kept a picture with me at all times. I slept with one of his shirts that smelled like him...and I still have them all...I would give anything to have my dad still here with me...tho according to Ansley he is here...he lives with us and smiles every time he sees me...he loves me lots...I am sorry if you aren't a believer, but well this family is...and I have seen him too...I have heard Ansley talking to him. I just wish I could talk to him...awww the innocence of children.

I can say that I am coming out of my shell more and more. Yes, my father shot himself, yes, my father chose to leave this world. Why, I don't know, and its really not my place. I have made peace and accepted that he is gone...no other options, but I am good with that...but I don't want people to feel like they can't talk about him....I want too...I want to tell stories...especially the ones, of how he remembered my closest friends....Heather, Angie and Dawn...didn't know their name but he had names....and then there is the priceless dinner table conversation between he and Corrie, they were debating why there were no black band aids, yet we had clear ones...it was hilarious...the few friends he knew he loved. But he was right about one more thing....my boyfriend at the time, wasn't the man for me...my prince charming was still out there...but so very close...

On my wedding day, my brother gave me away in honor of my father and mother...I couldn't have been more pleased. Earlier that day we had a few rain showers...nothing too bad...but we were having an outdoor wedding...my brother told me and I believe him, those rain drops were tears of happiness from my dad,on my wedding day.

In closing, just remember we aren't promised anything. Family and friends is all we have...keep them close, tell them how much they mean to you...

I would love for you to leave a memory that you have about my dad...I know there are some out there...I am doing my very best to make sure he doesn't fade away...And I am here to talk to anyone about suicide. You can email me tarabelle79@yahoo.com.

Our last picture taken December 14, 2002 at Sportsbreak....what a fantastic night!!!!

School...and what I want to be when I grow up!

Wow, can you believe that 13 years ago today I was celebrating my graduation from CAC...celebrating out on lake Greenwood. Good times, but I don't want to go back. I love where my journey has taken me. After high school I went on to Lander University, though in my day, it wasn't was beautiful as it is today, and well we had a few more hole in the wall bars...that yes, I did travel through, work at, laugh at lots of people, and well I am sure I was laughed at too! I went in thinking I wanted to be a Nurse...which I did and do. But my better subjects are English and History, Science and Math were never on the list...so naturally that scared the crap out of me, and I changed my major to Elementary Education...I absolutely love children, their innocence, just like Ansley said to me the other day about our friend Tucker, mommy, they can put a band aid on his head and then he can wear his helmet and be okay....A reminder that to them a band aid can fix just about anything. Gosh I love her. I cried when she said that...because she truly meant, if only life were that easy. Okay...so back to my story...I had a full academic scholarship to Lander. I was very happy, definitely had happy parents...as at this time I was the first to attend college in my family, and complete it. Now I am proud to say that many others have done so too!!! So proud my little cousin Erica!!! And of course my other big brother Eric...he is in the military but he also finishing his bachelors degree. What can I say, we Ashmore's got it like that...lol Okay so that was off subject again...Okay, so I changed my degree path to Elementary Education, loved all my classes, made great friends...though a lot were  not happy that I wanted to teach in a private school setting...now, I would just love to be in the schools. So, I took all of the education classes that I could before I could get into the program...and now it was time for the Praxis...now remember I told you Math was not my strong suit!!! I took that dang test 3 times, and all 3 times I failed the math section by ONE point, yes you read that correctly...ONE measly little point...I was devastated. I had to change my major again...mind you my dad was not happy about the first change, the second change and not thrilled about the third change, but it happens...you have to truly discover yourself in college, because all the dreams you wanted, sometimes aren't the dreams that God has for you. So, I finally chose Mass Communications with an emphasis in Mass Communications instead of Theatre. I absolutely loved it from day one...loved all of my professors, even the ones that others complained about!!! Frank Jackson was my advisor, love him...he was always there when I had questions...and Robert, excuse me Dr. Robert was the bomb! I loved writing. I finally found my passion...writing papers about topics that I liked, directing, doing interviews, putting stories together...everything was hands on! And I love hands on!!! But I must tell you that this is a hard industry to break into...unless you want to live at home for a while when you first start working. But today studios are becoming so sophisticated that they don't need production, the producers are controlling the cameras. Technology is amazing. But anyways, I loved it...I was so interested in becoming a reporter, little did I know. Not saying I am lazy, but well I am not one to move all the away to "nowhere" just so I can report. I also loved writing. I had stories published in our school paper often. I graduated from Lander in December 2002...what a great day...my good friend Corrie, was late, she was coming from Gville and they lost power...it was funny...my Aunt Nancy was following me around with a camera...it was a great day...I was so happy to walk across that stage and receive my diploma...but of course the party that night was the best...My childhood best friend, Tiffany was there, Corrie and my best friend Ashley, my dad and my cousin Erica. That was the last night that I ever sat in my dads lap and the last time we had our picture taken together. He told me how proud he was of me, and how happy he was that my mother and I kept him in the dark about a lot of things...lol It was a great night...one of the best ever! My mother didn't attend for whatever reason, but that was the usually. We still had a blast.

I loved college. I got a job in traffic upon graduation, it paid $18,750.00 a year....yep that is all...but I loved it...I was on several different stations reporting traffic. But soon another pretty blond came and well they liked her more...so I became a nanny! I freaking loved it. I had the best boys every...very handsome, well behaved and great parents...that I still try and keep in touch with. The boys are growing up, just another reminder that I am too...but then again I have 2 kids of my own, and well though I don't feel 31, I am...but so be it! I love my life!

I was a nanny when I received the phone call about my dad...but we will come back to that in another blog...this one is supposed to be about school....hahahahaPTC for nursing. And I am going to brag a little here...remember I told you that Math and Science were NOT my area...well for the first time in my life I made an "A" in Anatomy and Physiology! WHAT!!!! I was stoked...I was looking forward to nursing...I did great my first semester, had to repeat my second semester, aced my third semester...and well, I was beginning to get burned out...which those of you succeeded know what I am talking about. I had talked to Nick and decided to take a break, and go back to work for a semester, then back to school. I had 2 job offers, one was as Dr. Erickson's CMA, a job I would have most definitely taken had they called just one day sooner...but I accepted a position with News Channel 7 here in Spartanburg as an Assignment Editor....I answered phones, listened to scanners, gathered information, sent reporters information, producers too...it was a great job...and I was very lucky and blessed to get it...but well I learned you can get burned out quickly in the business...and there was no way I was going to become a reporter in this market....and well I wanted time with Nick, we were only married 7 months when I took this position. And that my friends is how we ended up in Woodruff. It is in the middle, we are close to Spartanburg, Greenville, Laurens, Clinton, Greenwood and 96...plus the school system is in the top 500 in the Nation.

But anyhow, today I am a SAHM, stay at home mom...I love it. I love seeing my beautiful babies go to sleep each night, and wake up in the morning, and like right now, as I sit here typing, Ansley is playing with her babies and feeding my Krabby Patties...lol...yes she should be in bed, but this is our time...Though now we are in the planning stages of what to do with our days now that school is over, but we are making some friends and hopefully there will be some play dates in our future! Plus, a lot of people that we went to college with are also here and that helps, but I do miss "home", and all my friends there, tho I can count you all on one hand, I still love you all so much! And I am so thankful that our journey's through life have brought us back together. And I don't care if our children are the same age, ladies, there will be some play dates in there...they just might benefit us a little more...lol.

But now I find myself thinking all over again...what do I want to be when I grow up? Do we ever really know? I love staying at home, but know there will come a time when I have to go back to work part time...but doing what? I seriously don't see me utilizing my degree...though I would love to be on the radio...and was once...even wanted to buy that station...and I would love to own my own consignment shop, a mommy and me...basically, as you can see I want to be my boss...and more than anything I would love a job that I can take my kids too....and i have thought about cosmetology...doing make up, manicures, possibly pedicures, facials...all that...again, I seem to like jobs that I can set my own hours...but truthfully the one that keeps coming back to me is the mommy and me shop. As a mom, I know how expensive all of this baby stuff is...and I want to help new mommies started out, and let them know that gently used is just as good as brand new...and I have no shame in saying that! As of right now, I have 3, yes 3, bouncer seats in my dining room, one that Adam used for 3 months before he outgrew it...one I had for Ansley as an extra, and one that came from my in laws...I have boxes upon boxes of baby clothes...boys, toddler clothes for girls...books, toys, and I could go on...I have enough to start my own shop, but well that takes money and we all know to make money you have to spend money...and that money tree in my back yard is DEAD...it is no longer growing...Though I am not letting my dream die. We have some good friends that are also looking into the estate sales and then turning them over and selling them. Pretty good idea...I mean we all want nice things, but do we want the Macy's price tag or the consignment tag...umm, you know where my vote is on this one.

Okay, so enough rambling, because I think I may overdid it tonight...let me know if you actually get to the end of this one!!! HAHAHA!!! And please pray that one day I will have my own little shop, where all of my friends can have a section to sell their art...because they can all do wonderful things!!!

Thanks for reading!!!

Did I mention...May sucks?

I have been dreading this, but at the same time looking forward to getting it all out. As a kid I can honestly say that I loved the month of May...it meant that summer vacation was about to start and I was able to get a break from all the bullying...or at least try. But well, all of that changed back in 2003. Now, I wish that I could just sleep through the month, waking up for Mothers Day to be with my children, but then falling back into a deep sleep until June.

And this year is no exception. One week ago tonight, one of my husbands best friend, childhood friend, neighborhood friend, school friend, riding buddy, volleyball buddy and so much more was in a tragic motorcycle accident. Yep, that is right, it happened in May. Tucker has just turned 34 on May 4...he was a quiet yet talkative man, more knowledgeable on probably every subject than you can even begin to imagine. He didn't graduate from high school, and it wasn't because he wasn't smart enough...it bored him. So, instead he got his GED and went on with life. He loved his friends, to this day I am still trying to figure out how he butt dialed us so much...I suppose smart phones aren't always as smart as advertised. He was there whenever we needed him. He helped us moved into our house, and even though a couple's baby shower wasn't his "thing" he still stopped by to deliver a box of diapers and baby spoons...looking back, I can't think of one ill or mean thing to say about him. Over the last 7 years I have grown to love this man, my husband called his best friend. And I wonder why, just like I always do, like we all do, why him?

This time last week Nick and I were going to bed. It was closer to 11pm and our phone rang, well, if you know us we don't answer late at night, but for some reason we both had an eerie feeling, but we still didn't answer, then immediately following that call, came another call from a close friend. I knew something was wrong...and I knew it had to be one of 2 people. We still didn't answer, but the next morning Adam woke me up at 6:30am, which is rare and well I discovered the news. How was I going to tell Nick that his best friend is in a coma, and on life support. You have to understand, Nick has never lost anyone close to him, yet he married me, the queen of death. And after talking to Nick, he said he just had this sick feeling all week, that he couldn't shake...guess my 6th sense is beginning to rub off a little.  By 11am, I called him and told him it was time to come home from work, that we needed to go to the hospital. This is something that Nick didn't do. I told him that I wasn't going to beg or try to convince him otherwise, but to think about this man...and all that he has done not just for us, but for him. I know he was breaking down on the inside, though on the outside you couldn't tell. Go figure, I married a man very similar to my father. We made it to the hospital around 2p...went up and visited with some friends and family. I really didn't think Nick would go back to visit him, but he mustered up the strength and he went back with a friend first, then he came back out and got me...Tucker looked as though he was in a deep sleep, comfortable. I touched his shoulder, to let him know we were there, and talked to him, he got goosebumps, just a natural reaction tho...I knew it wasn't good. I knew in my heart that would be the last time I saw Tucker breathing. I was heartbroken...I mean who was going to chat with me about Harry Potter!! Nick doesn't like the series, but Tucker got me through my first pregnancy with the last 2-3 books of the series. And from then on he would bring me a new book after he finished it. I still have one, that I haven't started reading yet...maybe now would be a good time to start. Anyways, Nick went back a third time with another best friend. He spoke to Tucker, told him that he kept his end of the pact, that yes he indeed had a drink for him. And while he was back there the 3rd time, he couldn't resist...he pulled the hair on Tucker's big toe, told him how he had always wanted to do that and the only person he knew that had that much hair on their toes was his wife...yep, that's right...me...thanks honey! Though I am positive that Tucker got a good laugh abt it. After we left the hospital we went to lunch with some friends and talked about our memories of Tucker and what a great guy he was. We all knew he was gone, but we also knew he was at peace. Later we received the phone call that yes, Tucker had passed.

So this is May 2011, another shitty May, sorry for the language but well that is the truth. Friday, will be one year since my aunt passed away. I think of her a lot, she was my dads only sister and after he passed we became so close. That was Nana...Ansley's Nana. And of course I can't skip May 27...tho if anything I would love to just blackout for the day. That is the day that I lost my daddy 8 years ago. A day that is etched in my mind...one that I can recall detail by detail...from my first panic attack to the phone calls, to arriving home...it still seems like yesterday. The one day that changed my family forever. Although, I was 23 then and now I am 31, married and have 2 beautiful children. I still feel that a part of me is missing...and it is, but I know he is with me. 

I believe I have rambled enough. I wanted to remember Tucker, I want everyone to remember him. I want his family to know that I love them, and that we are here for them. Like I have stated before, we all have tragedy along our journey.

I will leave you with this, which I am borrowing from status shuffle on facebook..."If you have something to say to someone, Say it while you can... because gravestones can't talk back."

Tucker, may you continue to live in our hearts and our memories forever. May we sometimes just giggle, and know it was you that made us laugh. May your family find strength in knowing you are safe, at peace and feel no pain. And if you would just pull the hair on Nicks chest one night for me....well, it would be pay back and appreciated! Ride on Tucker!

Change

I am sitting here at my computer, after putting my kids to bed, that for some reason wanted to fight, cry and whine the entire time...so then it was off to take a nice hot relaxing bath....and yes, I did say bath. Besides the hubby is playing softball so I am home alone in the quiet. Anywho...as I was sitting there relaxing, all of these ideas just came rushing through my head, and I honestly don't know what to write about. Surely, I will get to all of them but its funny now that I am writing this blog where it takes me. For so many years I have had anger built up inside me and a lot of hurt from the way I was treated as a kid all the way through high school. I never fit in, not when I went to public school, I would get picked on and called a "rich bitch", so I left and went to a private school, and I still wasn't good enough there, they called me "trailer trash". Kids, they can be so cruel. I wanted my blog to tell about my life and the events I experienced and how it felt to be bullied, but this doesn't seem to be the route this blog is taking, so much for that book deal! Dreams...at least we have them.

Okay, so all of these topics are racing through my head, should I talk about my dad, should I talk about my childhood, should I talk about my life now, yes all of it should be included but in what order? Should it even have an order? Do people really read my blog anyways, or is this just my way of letting go. I suppose either way would be suffice.

So, We have lived here in Woodruff now for 5 years. Its a great small town, but naturally, like all small towns it has its "talk", the in crowd, the don't talk to them or else...and well, I feel like I have never left high school. Those of you who know me, please correct me if I am wrong, but I know I seem to be a strong and confident woman, but really I want to be accepted, always have. And not by the popular people, just by other women that I feel that we may share some things in common. Sadly, I think my childhood is probably to blame for my insecurities, but I think I do a damn good job of hiding them.

I would give anything to have friendships here in Woodruff, that I have back in Ware Shoals and Greenwood....and believe me, it has taken me years to say Ware Shoals. Like Ashley, though we weren't close in school, we were friends, now we are super close. We have daughters the same age, and I would love to live down the road from her, so we could get together and let the girls play, and have adult conversations, just to know that I am not insane when it comes to my bossy, yet beautiful, 3 yr old, or maybe I am. And I would love for our hubbies who played ball against one another except during the summer on the all star teams, to hang out and teach Adam all about tee ball and baseball and Erik a wonderful lil man.

I would love to live near Angie, even though our kids are different in ages, our friendship has always been a strong one. I know I can pick up the phone and call her, not only to get the latest news of the town, but just to chat about life, kids, growing up...her gray hair, which is beautiful!! We had some really good times in school and after school when we became roommates for a while and then she met her hubby Scott, who actually knows Nick because they went to school together.

At the same time I have lost touch with some people that I grew up with, honestly, I don't think I am "right' for them, or would fit into their "crowd". Hell, I am still trying to fit in here. Trying to make friends, schedule playdates with other couples who have children Ansley's age, but its tough. Those click's are already established here and once again I am an outsider. And I try not to show it, but it hurts...If it weren't for Pam, my neighbor when we first moved here, I don't know what I would do. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends here, mostly older, but I love them dearly. I just desperately want to find friends to hang out with and talk, and let our kids play. Apparently, it seems my life is the only one that isn't hectic, which I know it isnt true by any means, but I suppose being a stay at home mom has a little stigma attached. But in all honesty, I am smart enough to know when I am not wanted, when you don't want to hang out and when you make excuses, I wasn't born yesterday and it hurts. To this day I am still hurting over the bullying I went through in school. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't walk around with wings and a halo, but my "attitude" truly was more of a defense mechanism. And the girls who took the opportunity to actually befriend me, figured this out. But I felt if I didn't talk or try to make friends, then I wouldn't get hurt, well that theory just got me picked on...so guess it didn't work out in my favor, huh?

Okay, I know I am rambling none of this makes any sense but well at the moment that is my mushy brain thanks to my 2 cranky but awesome children. The absolute loves of my life, even if sending them to bed helps my sanity! But I have always wondered why me, what is wrong with me. Why was I the chosen one to get picked on, beat up...stalked...I mean, was I really doing something that I was not aware of, was I just an easy target, and if so why? What do you think...for those who know and even those who don't....why? Can anyone give me any insight as to why I was the target.

Journey

As I was driving Ansley home from school just now...I heard about a woman and how we can watch her amzing story on News 13 sometime this week...she has went through her husband committing suicide and probably some other tragic events. It got me thinking about my journey,and all of my friends journey's, because we all have one. We all have a story that we can tell, mine is about my journey through life, the good, the bad and well the ugly, and yes even tragic events.

Anyhow, I began to think of my friends, and the different journey's that this life has taken them on. I have a really good friend who lost her son just over a year ago, he was 5. Of course this isn't the journey she would have chosen, but it is the journey that God has given her to travel,and though it is one of the hardest journeys with ups and downs,and u-turns, God has also blessed her with 2 beautiful girls (twins), and a wonderful husband (her love since we were in school). But her son, her first born is not here with her. He can not be replaced, nor can he be forgotten. His memory and the footprints that he left in his short life have touched many people. And God allowed me to be a part of her journey, I had the pleasure of taking his pictures along with his mommy when she was pregnant. He was so precious, well mannered, handsome, adorable and definitely an angel! On a daily basis I think about her and how strong she is, even if it is only on the outside. I know she is fighting a very hard battle on the inside, but I believe she knows that God and her angel are with her.She is an amazing woman, mother, sister, daughter, wife and friend and I am so blessed to be a part of her journey.  I pray for her daily, that she has strength to make it through the each day and all it brings. And I think about her whenever Ansley starts singing Big Green Tractor, on her own out of the blue! Journeys aren't always happy, they don't a yellow brick road to follow, but we put our faith in God that he will carry us and walk with us through our journey. And I know that one day she will be reunited with him in Heaven, and I think that might just help her through this daily journey. (She has a great blog, My Life without Erik...you should read it sometime).

And I also think of another mothers journey, I call her a friend, but truth be told we have only spoken a few times, but through her journey I feel like she is one of my closest friends. Though we have met a few times in church and I have heard her husband speak God's work...and well I do know her wonderful mother. Her journey is like no other, as is mine, yours and everybody else's. No 2 journey's are alike, and that is what God intended. Her journey is about her beautiful baby girl, Sadie Mae, that she carried for 9 months. And for 9 months and still counting, I am still following her story. She is an inspiration to me and many others. She is a strong woman, a woman of God. Her journey shows me God knows what He is doing even if we don't understand, but we will understand when we are supposed too. And just like my other friend,myself and all of you, her journey isn't over and her beautiful daughter, Sadie Maw continues to show people the way to God, the way to believe and have faith, the way to pray...the way to love unconditionally, even if God calls your angel home. Reading her amazing blog, (Sadie Mae's Mommy) makes me see a strong woman in Christ, a mother that cries,smiles and continues to fight and travel through her journey. 

Life's Journey...I mean really we are all on a journey, and no one is alone walking through life, God is there, waiting for you to ask Him to help...Our journey's wont be easy, they will take us down winding roads, twists, turns, up mountains and even road blocks. But we all have a journey, there is not just one person out there traveling through his or her journey. We all just have different journey's, and there is no doubt that along the way we will find heartache, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, bitterness, anger, grief...but the good news is we will find happiness. It could be in the smallest things. It could be that you have the honor of having your church's tee ball team named after your wonderful son...who seems have a little sister that is like him in so many ways....you may be one of the lucky ones to read about Sadie Mae and how she has changed my life and so many others in the short time she was here.

Me, I find happiness in my children's smiles, their laughter, their unconditional love for me, even when I have to be the "mean" mommy. Listening to Ansley talk to Mickey and Minnie Mouse...I smile, she is so creative. I know I have had some very tough times in life and there will probably be more, but I can still smile. No, I wont say that there are days when I just lose it all because believe me, I do...but I know my journey is in God's hands. He has brought me this far, and blessed me with a husband who makes me a better person, 2 beautiful children, a mother, who is just down the road and a brother who is just around the corner.

May is a hard month for my family. Probably the hardest of all months, but I have Mothers Day, and I am thankful for that. Because every year it makes me smile, this year was no different, probabaly the best yet...and well even though I put on sun block, I still got burnt!! But it was worth it. I wont go into detail in this blog, but I will in a future blog, about the hardest part of my journey through life. But for all of you out there, take a moment and thank God for the journey you are traveling. Though there have been hardships, parts of us that will always be missing and never replaced, and time wont heal anything, but we will get better. We will see the sun shining and we will know that our angels are with God, smiling down on us, walking with us each day. Because without our past, we wouldn't be who we are today...even if we aren't completely whole...

I cherish all of my friends, and though I only mentioned 2, (I hope they didn't mind) I do think about all of their journey's...my best friend, is starting a new journey, one with her husband, and I am thankful she found her found her soulmate, he makes her smile...and that makes me smile. Please pray for everyone and the journey they travel, friends, family, and even strangers...everyone has a journey they want to share with you...take the time to be there...listen, love, laugh and cry.

It's a journey, our journey...how will you choose to travel it?  How has he blessed your journey? I ask you to take a moment and think about it, the good times and the bad...share them with me on my comments.