What this blog has done for me...

There is so much that I have wanted to blog about lately, but I am either laying down with Ansley to take a nap or by the time I am done with everything its abt 11pm!!! Then I begin to just lay there in bed my mind going crazy with ideas of blogs I want to write, things I want to do and so much more! Nick suggested that I take a notepad with me when I lay down that way I can jot down my ideas. Some friends agreed, and I too, thought that it was a great idea. So that night I began writing my ideas down, then next thing I remember is waking up with the notebook in my lap and the pen in the bed, but the strangest part is somehow pen marks were all over Ansley's feet!!! Now let me mention, I found the pen right beside my pillow! So there is no telling how it happened, but it did! She woke up saying "mommy, someone wrote on me, see...look at my feet."

It's amazing how much better I feel since starting this blog. I have kept so much inside of me that it just began to weigh me down and upset me. Though I have only written about a few incidents from my past when it comes to bullying, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders, heck, my entire body! I feel free. Crazy sounding isn't it. Plus, the whole idea of writing a book about my past, I don't see that anymore, well at least not about all the cruel experiences I endured. Over the last month, God has really showed me some things, led me to places that I never would have found on my own, much less looked! Not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't listening. I just finished reading a book, "Heaven is for real," it's a must read if you haven't read it. It is about this little boys journey to Heaven, and it just makes your Faith that much stronger or it did for me. This little boy made my night as I was reading and he told his dad that yes there are pets in Heaven and lots of beautiful colors, but most of all Jesus has the most beautiful eyes. Oh, how I wish I could hop on an elevator go visit with my dad, uncle, aunt, grandparents, friends and my childhood dog, Winkum!!! I can't wait to see his wagging little tail!! Oh, but seriously, this book is great.

So its no secret that my dad committed suicide. (Somehow that always manages to come up, huh?) Well, I have always wanted to do something, something to help. That is where that article on suicide awareness comes into play. On a normal basis I never would have went to this website or seen the article, but since then I have learned a lot. I am also beginning to see suicide in a different way, not like most individuals. Now, this may upset some people and I am sorry, but it is the analogy that I am going to use. People commit suicide everyday, but they are never remembered. They are forgotten or maybe they were never even thought about to begin with. On 9/11, our country was hit with one of the biggest if not the biggest tragedies ever, the loss of so many lives due to terrorism. On the anniversary this past weekend, I did not watch the news, listen to the radio or have anything to do with it. That is how I handled it. Why? Because though it was a horrible tragedy, no one is being secretive about all the suicides that occurred, even the ones that chose to commit suicide and I don't mean the terrorist. You see, those people that jumped from those buildings thought to themselves, I have no other choice, and well, most people who commit suicide have the exact thoughts running through their mind just before they pull the trigger, step of the chair, or take a bottle of pills. Though there is a big difference, at the same time, there are one in the same, (of course this my opinion). And every year we remember all those that we lost, but we don't ever really take the time to remember the mothers, fathers, sons, daughters who have taken their own life, and left behind a family and friends to cope with the loss, to try and figure out why, and put the pieces back together. The reality is you can't ever put it back together, you can't ever figure out why, you learn to cope with your everyday feelings and sadness. Me, I hide it behind my smile as I look at my beautiful children, and I see my dad in them. I know he is here, Ansley is always telling me how she sees Pop in the house and how he is always smiling at me. I want to believe her, I do believe her, I have caught glimpses of him, but to know that he is smiling at me, just makes me cry. No matter how many years go by, one thing will always be certain, and that is I am a daddy's girl at heart, and I want him to be proud of me. And I think he is, I think he is proud of all of us. He may not be so thrilled that it took us this long to get to this point, but now he can rest in peace because his family isn't torn apart anymore.

Okay, so if you haven't figured it out, I want to write about my experience, struggles, happiness, anger, hatred, and all the other feelings I felt when I received that phone call May 27, 2003 that my father was no longer living, and that he had shot himself. Now, will this book ever get published, who knows, will it help another daughter who went through what I did, maybe, hopefully....but most importantly, I feel it will help me. Finally, I can tell my story, the way it happened for me, what I felt, what I experienced, not what you saw on the outside, but I felt on the inside and how it has impacted my life today. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the insignificance of suicide to people, how its a world unknown and unspoken. That is a change I want to work on. You have Race for the Cure, Relay for Life, March of Dimes, Alzheimer's walks, and walks for everything and you see it published...they make you aware. But not suicide, not the walk for those who have been impacted by this painful life experience. And you know what, there is a walk out there! Heck, I just found out about it, never heard of it before, I have never seen it advertised on a bulletin board, in a local magazine, newspaper or on tv, just online, on its website. Wow! People have such taboo thoughts on suicide that they don't even mention a walk to remember these people, and they were living breathing people too. Most of you know this is something that I have always been passionate about, and now I feel that God is leading me to do more...Please pray that I can hear him and that I listen. And most of all pray for the families that lost a family member to suicide today, because it did happen.