Drama...and why?

Since my house, or the occupants inside, except me...lol, are napping, so I thought this would be a good time to blog. As always there is several days between postings. Honestly though, there are times when I want to blog about whats going on, but feel that I can't.

Moving on...I know all families have it, all families deal with it on some level, but why?? Why does there always have to be conflict and/or drama?? I just don't get it. But I suppose some people just have to have it or well sort of...as of the other day, my mother deleted me on her contact list. Bahahahaha...that's how I feel anyway...it's no secret that she has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. Which I wanted to know more about and the chances of me having it. Well, I just have depression and anxiety/panic attacks. But I am thinking that if my mother takes her medicine as directed, then she will not have these manic episodes. This is the second one I have experienced with her. And I just don't know what to do. She is cursing everyone for everything...and not at all seeing any blame in herself. She called my house this am 2-3 between 2am and 4am, now seriously, I have 2 small children, why would you do that? Her and her boyfriend have split up and she can't take it, but yet she drove him away. He was on the verge of coming home 2 days ago, and she went psycho on him (using words). I am not dealing with it...I don't have too. I have a family of my own and that is where my concerns are. I mean, how can you tell your grand-daughter that her Papa is mean? You know she is going to repeat it and then believe it and its not true. But I am supposed to let my children in your presence, so you can teach them who to like and dislike? I don't think so. But to keep the story short, I am sure she will come down...everything between us will be fine, but until then I am not putting up with it.

Well, I think I may go rest...my back is hurting still...yep, clumsy me fell down our stairs and jarred my back...and then I have a big ole boy to carry around!! But at the end of my day, I am happy and that is what matters.

Positive

I thought it was time to blog about something cheery. My last blog was not so happy. Sometimes I just find myself in that place, and its hard to get out of, writing tends to help, but honestly I can only write so much online. My life is still somewhat private. Well, I wrote and posted the prologue to my (one day) book, now to find time to write. I have written some, but haven't typed it..old skool, right? I am hoping that one of my friends, Ashley Quarles, would read it as I go...but I would like it to be through email and not my blog. So, Ashley, when you read this...comment and let me know if you will be my personal editor...I trust you to give the brutal truth, but with love and respect as a friend!

Anyways, what a week. Its so hard to imagine that this time last year I was 180 pounds give or take and about to give birth via C-section to a defensive end! Adam Joseph Prochaska entered this world on his original due date of October 14, 2010. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, and I do not see how some of you women do it naturally, but I give you major props for it. But once it was over and I had my baby boy in my arms, I was so happy, no, I haven't forgotten then pain, and I don't think I ever will, but seeing him smile makes it all worth it. And I still can't believe that he will be one on Friday!! It really is sad knowing your baby isn't a baby anymore...I am amazed at how time flies with children and just life in general. Its hard to believe that 10 years ago I was in college, 20 years ago I was in middle school! Wow, is all I can say! And now at the young, young age of 31, I am married to my best friend, and we have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. Life isn't a fairytale, but I wouldn't change it for anything...Okay, so back to my baby boy turning one! I have to admit I have been a little slack on everything, and I am guessing that is because I am not looking forward to him being one...not grown up yet, but if he is anything like his sister by the time he is 2 he will think that he runs the house! Speaking of my darling little Princess, she has been acting out lately. And they say boys have the terrible threes! And heck she will be 4 in December. However, I have already been working on her party...this year it is going to be a small gathering for girls only...well, and their moms....I am excited. I love planning parties...(with the exception of Adam's first bday). We also decided to have Adams party different too. For Ansley it was a big to do, and it is for Adam, but we have decided to keep it family and a few close friends, which in all reality it wont be too small! We are having him dedicated Sunday morning at church, and then plan to celebrate his birthday back here at home...I am getting excited. And I must say that the invitations turned out great!!! I would upload a pic but well I deleted from my computer...boo! However, if you are looking for invitations for a great price that are look amazing let me know!!!

Well, I hate to cut it short...but I want to watch my favorite show Criminal Minds...So I will have to come later!! Have a wonderful night. God Bless!!!!

What's eating Turnip Tara...

Cute title, none the less or at least I think so. As always, it has been a while since I have blogged, but I have so much going on right now that I don't have time for anything. The week is finally here, Adam will be one year old this Friday. I am so sad...where did my baby go. I can't believe how fast time has went by. Seems like just yesterday he was a little baby in my arms. Anyways...I figured this would just be a list instead of paragraphs, it's a little easier that way, thus the title...

1. Losing a loved one is never easy, but you can't tell me I don't know how you feel just because it wasn't your father that passed.
2. It has been 8 years since I lost my dad, but there are days that it feels like it was yesterday.
3. I hate feeling that I am taking all the wrong turns in my road to God.
4. I hate that I have no one to talk to about everything, because we all have enough on our plates.
5. I really wish that my hubby and I spent more time together and as a family.
6. I dislike that he is now working third, and we just can't seem to get adjusted.
7. I wish I was chemically balanced and didn't need medicine to help me make it through each day.
8. I pray that my daughter never experiences the bullying that I did while growing up.
9. I pray that both my children will always have respect and manners...and use them.
10. I really hope that I am not on speed dial, for the school, when Ansley gets older.
11. It really bothers me that even though it has been 8 years, everyone figures I am okay, and that I am not grieving.
12. I don't like that there is no attention to Suicide Awareness and Prevention.
13. I am terribly upset that my hubby forgot a very important day to me, and an apology isn't enough.
14. I don't like that he just figures it will all be fine tomorrow.
15. I miss snuggling with my hubby in the bed at night or just sitting on the couch together after the kids have gone to bed.
16. I don't like that Ansley is back in my bed after trying so hard to get her to stay in her own room.
17. I have to admit that I do love to watch her sleep peacefully next me.
18. I am glad that my life is finally on a schedule...somewhat, with the help of Ansley being in school.
19. I never knew how hard it truly was to be a parent, a good one...
20. I hate to admit that I have had thoughts of suicide, but would never do that to my children.
21. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean I am a disrespectful, non-christian.
22. Everyone of my tattoos has meaning, something from my life.
23. I wish that I didn't have to deal with back pain everyday and that it will only get worse as I get older.
24. I am happy that I have been able to lose all my baby weight, and actually get to my goal weight.
25. I don't like being told that I look sickly and too thin, when I have been much smaller in the past.
26. I regret not finishing nursing school because my anxiety got the best of me.
27. I don't like that I feel mad or sad a lot...especially on gloomy days.
28. I wonder how many true friends I really have...
29. I don't like that my best friend and I don't talk or get together much any more now that we are "grown ups"
30. I absolutely love Charleston...but really don't I could handle all the traffic...
31. I don't feel like I am 31, I still feel like I am in my 20's...
32. It bothers me that he sleeps all day and we never spend time together.
33. I am happy that he spends as much time with the kids as he can.
34. I am thankful for all the help he gives me...when he does...
35. I really hate having all these emotions running through me and I feel like I have no ability or strength to stop it.
36. I don't like keeping it all inside...
37. But I don't want to talk about it either because its a waste of time..

I could continue to go on but well, I am not. I guess you can tell that I am a little sad, mad but also happy and blessed. I am trying my best to stay positive...but it doesn't always fill the void. Until next time...

But when I am at my lowest, I look at my greatest accomplishments, my children, and I always smile!!!

If you truly only knew...

No beating around the bush on this one...I am in a pissy mood, I had looked forward to our family day all morning. Well, while everyone was napping, and Ansley was also supposed to be!! She got out her lipstick and went to town...all over her clothes (brand new), her purse, pillow, and comforter...the punishment we all had to stay home...but in all honesty, its like that is what someone wanted the whole time. Now I am up all alone...nothing new there...wishing I could blog about everything that is racing through my head, but I can't. So really, what is the blog for? Heck if I know...what is facebook for, heck if I know that one either...the book will be completed, now as for how long it takes...well that will be determined by the path that I keep choosing...crossroads...so many at one time. I am really feeling blah and down right now...I could give you a list, but it wouldn't do any good...so I will go to sleep, say my prayers...and wake up tomorrow, on a new day, hoping it goes better...