First of all, lets give it up for me...a nice pat on the shoulder...this is the third night that I have sat down to write a blog!!! And life has been so crazy! I honestly think that you need at least one week to recuperate from vacation. My house is a mess, laundry needs to folded, put away, and more loads down...and well that list could go on!! But I am hoping that next week life will start to level out some! Ha!! Okay, I know that really wont happen but a girl can dream, right?
I have a few things to write about...but I will start with my little baby boy...Lately he has been sleeping a lot!!! And I thought that maybe he was just catching up on sleep he didn't get while we were on vacation, but still the mother in me just felt like something might be wrong. It just so happened that he had his 9 month well check up today. He weighs 21 pounds, and he is 28.5 inches long. His height is average, his weight is in the 75th percentile and well his head, which is NOT small, is only in the 15th percentile, but the doctor said its just the shape of his head...he is normal! Yay, all good news...he didn't have to any immunizations today but he did have to have his hemoglobin checked. I had a feeling it would be low. They took the blood and sent us on our way, saying they would call if there was a problem. Whelp, they called...and they nurse asked me how I was doing, I told her umm, not too well considering I was just there and now you are calling me. Anyways, the point is his iron is low. He has to take OTC iron supplement drops and then they will recheck him at 15 months. The light bulb went off...I asked could this be why he is sleeping so much...and of course the response was yes! I had to take iron supplements while pregnant with him because mine was bottoming out. So hopefully, we will get all that sorted out and taken care of! And he also has another central incisor coming through the skin on the left side. Wow, this kid is popping out some teeth! I don't remember Ansley getting them back to back like this....but all children are different especially ours!!
Okay, so there is no easy way to say this...but I am going to try....first of all I am not racist. I have many black friends that I love dearly!! So, please do not think that I am stereotyping, I would have reacted the same way with white people. And heck, either way...I reacted wrong!!! No secret, that Nick is now working in Greenwood at Eaton Electric, and he started working 3rd shift this week. No big deal. I am not afraid to stay by myself, he has worked 3rd before and I was just fine! Okay, so late last night, I was on the computer blogging and goofing off, but I had left the tv on in the living room. There was a knock at the front door. I asked who is it...to which he replied Trey...and I wasn't sure if it was my cousin...but none the less I went upstairs to get the gun for safety reasons...my kids are in this house, and I must protect them. Well, to my surprise, the gun wasn't there...Nick had taken it to work...well, they already knew someone was home so I had to go to the door...I cracked it open and there were 2 young black males standing there, very polite...he asked to use the phone because his car ran out of gas at the bottom of the hill...and he tried other neighbors houses but they didn't answer. Again, I am not scared, I don't have any bad vibes, but you never know...so I allowed him to use my phone....while he stood outside on the porch...the family that he called wouldn't come get him...pretty crappy, if you ask me...well, while he was on the phone, I turned all the lights on outside and in the living room. I shut and locked the front door and went out to the garage. I gave him our gas container and told him this should hopefully get you to a gas station or where ever they were going. All I asked is that they set it on the front porch when they were finished. Still not scared...don't feel threatened...nothing at all..to me I was helping someone in need. Might not have been my smartest move but well, I didn't think it through. Needless to say today I told my mom about it and she flipped out...was totally scared enough for all of us...and wanted Glen to come and stay with me for a few nights and also bring me another hand gun. I wasn't afraid and I told her that...and I refuse to be afraid in my home...but I did want the hand gun! lol...This way Nick can carry his with him to work and I can have one here at the house. Then my mom made me realize that I was hearing some noises around the house just before they showed up...now I am a little shaky...Great!!! Later that day I ran into a neighbor from down the road who proceeded to tell me about a break in and murder just down the road...so now I am really shaking...first thing I do is call a good friend to make sure the person had been caught, and they had. But still these 2 young men were well mannered, polite, they weren't "thuggish". Turns out the man murdered was my pastor's wife's uncle...and the kid was a Laurens HS graduate...all this had taken place and I didn't even know it...tells you what world I live in!!! (mine) lol!!
So anyways, now I have a gun here at the house...just in case, which is what I wanted in the first place...but wow, you can go from not being afraid to absolutely freaking out after talking to people!! They did return the gas container, but Nick said the car was still at the bottom of the hill, so something else must be wrong...I feel like I did a good thing, I believe God would have intervened and made me feel a little strange had I needed to be on guard...And to be really honest, the only part that bothered me was the area that they were heading too. Its not very nice...but again that is judging and I don't want to do that. Those people have a roof over their head, and who am I to judge. But needless to say I did get quite the adrenaline rush...and didn't fall asleep until 3:30am...boy was I tired...this has been a long day...and I do believe that I am going to call it a night. I have got to catch up on some zzzzzzz's!!!
So here's hoping to the plan of blogging nightly...just about my day...how I feel, and all that jazz!!! And I have decided that if I want to talk about some of the things that happened to me growing up I will...it feels good to get them out in the open, and then leave them behind...I have kept so much bottled up for so long, it was beginning to wear me down, but that is what Satan wants, but not me! I love my life, and without all those incidents, "fights", and so on, I would not be Mrs. Tara Ashmore Prochaska...a wife, mommy, sister, friend, aunt, daughter and all those other things I am!!!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Seriously, I wasn't scared....
A big part of my life...whether I like it or not
For those of you close to me, or anyone for that matter, it is no secret that my dad, Daniel Jordan Ashmore, committed suicide on May 27, 2003, Memorial Day. It was 4 years after my Uncle David, his big brother passed away on Memorial Day from cancer. There are parts of me that say yes it was what it was...and then there are parts of me that say no, there is much more to this story than any of us will know.
Here I am writing about this situation in my blog. I am okay with it, do I have any other choice? I could hate him forever, but it wouldn't change that day in my life, so I have accepted it to the best of my abilities. I wont lie, I think, no wait, I know without any doubts that there is much more to this so called "story" than anyone can see. And naturally, we feel its the right thing to do, to keep it hidden from the grandchildren on what happened. Surely, they have a right to know, but would they understand? I was 23 when it happened and I am 31 now, and I still don't completely understand, but I depend on God to get me through each moment.(and He does...every single day). And believe me, I think about him all the time. As I walk down the hall and see the last picture of us taken together...as I think back on my wedding and it sinks in that my dad chose to not be there, just like he chose to not be present for the birth of his last 3 grandchildren. Now don't get me wrong, I believe he was present and is still present without a shadow of a doubt. My daughter knows exactly who he is...he is her Pop, her only Pop...no one else is Pop, only my dad, my brothers dad and my mothers husband. this was her Pop... I have learned through therapy that those of us left behind, victims, as we are called, can make up stories...oh it didn't happen that way...he really didn't do it...there is more to the story...I am told this a natural reaction...so does that mean that I am not crazy...does it mean that I am making these "stories" up only to help myself cope? For me the answer is no...I am not making anything up...I have the reports, I have his medical records and yes at one time I had all the photos from the scene. No, that does not make me a sick individual, it made me a daughter looking for answers that were not being given to me straight. It all happened in TN, tell me how can you rule a suicide in less than 2 hours...everything that I have read and studied says that it takes time to make these decisions...but in a case where the victim is a South Carolina man in Tennessee, seems pretty open and shut, or it did for them...you know what I find strange? I find it strange that all weekend when my mother was visiting people said that they heard my parents dog, Missy, a miniature long haired yorkie yapping...but you mean to tell me that you didn't hear a glock 45 going off? I mean seriously, that is just one peculiar part to this story. I talked to this man on a daily basis, he was happy...he loved TN...he wanted my mom to move there...why make plans just to end it all? Yes, this is one of those parts of my life that will forever be unanswered and will forever leave an empty place in my heart, my life, my childrens' lives and in all those who knew him. He was strong, respected, loved, hated, but he was my dad...and I was a daddy's girl in every way. He came to me after my car accident, he kissed my cheek and told me that everything was going to be okay...I believed him, and it has. Now he has a grand-daughter and 2 grandsons, (one being my nephew who was born that following May) that I know he has seen, I know that he watches and I know that he loves...Ansley will tell me about her Pop, and how he watches me, and how he is always smiling and so proud. And Adam, gosh where could I begin...when I look at this handsome son of mine, I am not sure whether I should cry or smile...I see my dad in him...he looks just like him, and I think that makes me smile.I just wish he were here on earth to visit, talk and hold these precious grandchildren of his...he would be proud...Actually, I know he is proud, Ansley has told me so and who am I to say she is wrong. Children are so open to things as adults we lose sight of because we have to grow up. But that is okay because I know he is still here...
And I am sure you may be wondering where in the world did all this come from...and some of you might be thinking finally...a true breakthrough...she is talking about it more openly, I do not deny that I have lost my father to a death that he chose for himself...but I live on believing, no I live on knowing that there is so much more to this story than what those lousy detectives in TN came up with...They had never met my father and didn't know anything about him...all they could do was make assumptions based upon what they saw...they didn't call his doctors, they just assumed it was suicide, an open and shut case...and that is exactly what they did...as for me, I knew him, I knew him with all of my heart and soul...all of you daddy's girls know what I am talking about, that bond, the conversations you share...being a daughter...there is nothing in this world like it...just like a bond that a mother shares with her son...as children we accept that our parents will pass on before us, in most cases, but we don't usually think it will be a GSW to the heart...another odd part to the story, statistically, that is not how men choose to shoot themselves, you can research that part on your own if you choose. And this post may upset some people, why...because some people in our family don't know how he truly died...and that is for their own protection...or is it...is it just easier to say he didn't wake up. When my children are old enough I will tell them the truth, as I believe that they have a right to know...how others in my family choose to tell the story is their own...
of course this would be yellow instead of red and the loop would be a red heart...undecided about dates or to put dad....
So which one will I choose to represent the man I called daddy...the man that could do no wrong in my eyes, the man that I believe was protecting his family, not being a selfish person...I am not sure, but I know it will come to me and it will be perfect...I would love to know what you think or if you have any artistic suggestions....
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Where has this road taken me?
When I first started this blog, I felt that my purpose was to tell my story about how badly I was treated in school as a child. Now, I find myself going away from that. So I am stuck and not sure really which way to go.
Right now, for this moment, I decided to go back and tell a story from my 6th grade year of school. This was the year that Baby Got Back was popular...we sang it all the time...so you can do the math...I lived in Hodges, at least that was my address, but I attended school in Ware Shoals and did all the way until half thru my sophomore year. Anyways, so Mrs. Patterson was my teacher for the first part and then she went out on maternity leave, and I think it was Mrs. Pautz, I am really not sure on that one...Here are some memories that I have from that particular year, some were good memories and some weren't so good. Of course Baby got Back was a great one...lol...still know the words and remember sitting on the bleachers singing them during recess. I got into a fight with one of my best friends, all because of misunderstandings that were fueled by classmates. His mother and my mother both worked at O'Dell Mop and Broom, just in different departments...well of course the he said/she said stuff started and there we were on the softball field fighting. Thankfully we are still the best of friends today, and what is even cooler is that when we moved here to Woodruff, he was here!!! So we get to hang out every now and again!! I remember passing notes in class, putting notes in others lockers...playing outside, music class, and of course the times that sucked....
It started out with me having secret friends...these girls would talk to me on the phone, on the weekends, we would hang out as long as it was away from school and no one else found out. They were the cool kids and apparently I wasn't. Sometimes I still sit and think and wonder how can you look someone in the face and say "we can be secret friends, but you can't tell anyone." Naturally, I was okay with it...I wanted friends, I wanted to fit in. And there were times when I did fit in...I did get to sit with them at their end of the cafeteria table, other times, I would sit with the other group of girls, and then there times when I sat alone in the middle section. Just another part of a girl's life right? I remember thinking that not one of these girls would care if I didn't show up tomorrow and was gone forever...but then again I was in the 6th grade, half these girls barely knew me, so now in reality to think would they miss me is just dumb. And who cares...well, I did and do. I have always tried to so hard to fit in and have friends but I am not sure where I went wrong.
The one thing that I can say is that every female that disliked me in school or still dislikes me now, at one time we were friends, maybe even best friends. Then there came a time to toss me aside...start rumors, make fun, and send me home to my room in tears, and that wasn't just the 6th grade. That happened all the way up until I left.
Another incident that I remember quite well was our Valentine's Day Dance. And I remember a few of the girls involved but not everyone. Anyways, it was a Friday, Travis was my boyfriend and he sent me a balloon to school that said I Love You....and I mean it was huge. I was so embarrassed. That night at the dance in front of everyone he publicly broke up with me...right there in front of all our "friends." Now I was humiliated, and what I found out makes its worse...my friends were behind it all...they convinced him to break up with me at the dance in front of everyone...and he knew all day that he was going to do it....I sat in the girls bathroom crying for what felt like hours, naturally, surrounded by my "girlfriends", most of whom were behind the whole thing. Great friends, huh?
So as I sit here and write about all this depressing crap...I wonder is this what you want to know...will this help some child who is being bullied, or is it just proof that it happens and always will? I just don't know. I ask God why me, why did all of this happen to me...and yes I know life can always be much worse, but for a girl going through puberty, and everyone hates her...you really begin to think that your world is crumbling around you. I had no true friends...not the secret ones, not even the church ones...I am thinking just maybe this is where my attitude started, and believe it or not its a defense mechanism that I still use to this day...though not as much. My children have opened my eyes to a whole new world, where all that pain and sadness are gone.
So as my readers, the few or many that I have, I want to know...is my blog worth it...I know I don't get on a lot and I hope to change that...there is so much I want to do...but what do you think? Is it worth reading? Am I just wasting my time rehashing events in my life that no one cared about then and probably don't care about now, except for myself?
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Redirecting...
I really wish that I had wi-fi, there have been numerous times when I am no where near my computer that I just want to sit down and blog!! Naturally, its in the middle of the night, which is about the only time I have to myself. But still, all those thoughts end up lost...because trust me, I can't remember anything. I think it happens when you become a parent. Well, at least that is what I am blaming!!!
I feel like I am living my life on fast forward right now and over the last few months. It seems that the storm is finally beginning to calm down...Nick has started his new job in Greenwood. Right now he is working days, 7:00am-3:30p, and driving home or staying at his parents. They are uncertain as to when he will be put on nights, which is okay with me. He says that he likes it so far...and that the hottest it has been was about 93 degrees in one area of the plant and 74 degrees through out the rest of it, a big difference from the 130 degree or hotter he was working in. And it turns out the drive is only 45 minutes from our house, which he was driving 40 minutes to his former job!! But all in all its going well...
What I have discovered about myself during all of this, is that I don't take change very well! I have been so stressed out and on the verge of having panic attacks. Its unbelievable! Plus, in one ear I had my mom constantly asking when we were moving, have we listed our house yet, has anyone called on it, have we found a place in Greenwood...makes me want to scream!! Then in my other ear, I have my mother in law, which I love dearly, already looking at houses and land and making calls about them...and that scares me. I mean, I am so happy for Nick. I am glad that he finally has a position with a company he feels like he can stay with. But the thought of moving just scares the crap out of me. I love my house here...and the few friends I have made...Ansley being in school...and so on...now don't get me wrong, I am still excited about moving closer to my friends!! But as of right now I am not ready. Nick and I have talked about the situation, and thankfully we agree, that for the time being we are going to stay put. Or until he really gets sick of the drive...haha! Just talking about it and making that decision together has calmed me down so much! We have listed our house for sale by owner online...but that is as far as we have went. We plan to put a sign out in the yard, by owner, and we have set a price, that we have no intention of budging on...so with all of that said, I feel like I can finally take a deep breath and enjoy life again, or at least try to slow it down some. God is in control of this situation and when its time He will let us know and everything will work out...That gives me so much peace. So that is where we are with the new job and moving! It will happen just not today.
Recently, we had our pictures taken...it was due time for new family photos!! Our pastor's daughter took them. We went to a place called the Rock Quarry in Greenville. It is a beautiful place to take pictures and I hope to go back with some of my clients...but here are a few of my favorite pics from the shoot...plus I am hoping to do more at the beach!!!
Here are a few more:
