Revision: short, sweet, simple, and to the point..



Now and Forever...



If you approached me ten years ago and asked me where did I see myself in the future, I can honestly tell you that it wouldn’t be the present that I am now living. I have no idea what it would be like, but I probably would have told you that I would be married, would hope to have children, and also hoping that I am working full time in broadcasting, as a Reporter.



Although, my present life isn’t what I thought it would be, not in the slightest, though I am married, have two beautiful children and I live my days not out in the field reporting, but as a stay at home mother. My path getting here has been a bumpy, rough and narrow road at times, but I am living it. Ten years ago without any hesitation, I would have included my dad in the picture. My two wonderful children would have their Pop, and I would have my daddy. Though, we all know life isn’t a fairytale and we can’t pretend it is, so this is the beginning to my story, my struggles, my battles and my life as a Daddy’s girl, left behind to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward, after he chose to commit suicide.



Dreams...what dreams

Poof...and just like that all of my dreams were gone...demolished, flattened...but oh well, I am sure Einstein has many ideas, or dreams that were flattened before he found something worthy...well, for about 5 years or more I have had a dream of opening my own business. Granted I have come up with several different ideas, all of which I thought would work here in Woodruff, but well the truth is, they wont. This is a wonderful town to live in, at least I think so, I love the school systems, my home, the fact that I am 30 minutes from Greenville and Spartanburg. I have begun to make some new friends. But well, the fact of the matter is, a business of my desire would not fit the town of Woodruff, though, I must say it is a good idea. But all good ideas cost money, and I don't know if you have noticed but that tree in my backyard is bare and has been for a long time now. lol.

But at the same time I feel like I am being pushed and pulled into another direction. One that I have always wanted to participate in but I just didn't know how or what to do. I believe I have said this before, but I just finished reading "Heaven is for real," and it was such a wonderful book. Its nice to breakaway from the same old books,for me they are always murder mystery (my favorites), and this book was nothing like that. It made me feel good inside. It made me excited about God and the Heavens and all my family, and family pets that one day I will reunite with. Most of all, it made me realize that yes, physically my father is no longer on this earth, but he is here spiritually, he is with me everyday, he watches me and one day we will be reunited. Okay, so the point of that...writing. Its my passion. I love to do it, though sometimes everything comes out so random, but it still makes sense. I used to think my purpose was about bullying, and making people aware that it goes on, and that no one truly sees the extent until it goes to far. I am definitely all for the anti-bullying laws, but after writing about only a few experiences from my childhood, I feel compelled to go in another direction. Believe me it has felt so good to get all of it off my chest, and of course I wonder if any of the girls that did those awful things to me have ever read my blog, and if they have, what do they think today? Part of me actually thinks they would read it and laugh, but to me that is just the type of people they are. So anyways, back on point. Day to day we all have struggles, some small some so large that it seems no one can help. Last night I actually sat down and began to write...not type, weird I know! But I am in the beginning phases of writing my book, which has changed. In all honesty, I am doing this for me, not be selfish, but for closure, and well I really don't think that will ever occur. But I am in the process of writing the Prologue to my book. I have no intentions on writing the book here on my blog, I do plan to write the prologue so that you can all read it and possibly give me some advice, positive criticism and so forth. but I fell that God is leading me in the direction of Suicide Awareness and Prevention...maybe there are other girls, women, who are out there and are just as lost as I am, picking up the fragmented pieces trying to figure out what went wrong, and then maybe they have found a way to deal with it and they can help me. Because after writing that I do not believe in stages of grief, God quickly showed me that I am far from over my dad's death. I just have nice way of covering it up, making nice, and pretending all is good in my world, for the sake of the others who depend on me. And trust me its more than just my hubby and children. I want to be everything that God wants me to be and we have to start somewhere. So I am taking the plunge. I ask that you pray for me as I take this challenge on full force...with God's help, of course. I am planning to write my story, a daddy's girl, left behind struggling to put the pieces together so that life can keep going...and realize that no matter how long its been, its a wound that is always fresh, and always will be, but don't mistake that as me not wanting to talk about him because I do. I may not have lost a child, and I pray daily for my friends that have, may they find peace, even if just for that day...but I have lost a parent, and though we usually expect to outlive our parents, we don't usually think that one of them would make the choice to leave this world, on their own terms, never saying goodbye, never even telling us why. You see I didn't get any last words, I didn't get any hugs or kisses or I love yous. What I live with is guilt...because I had not seen my dad in quite some time, though we talked daily, and the last thing I ever did was ask to borrow money....I can't change that...but please don't shut me out because my loss isn't like yours. I hurt, I cry...I smile, I think of all the times we had together and all the times we could be having together...I can't pick up the phone and call him, I can't rush into his room or house and just wrap my arms around him and hug him one last time and scream I love you to the moon and back daddy! We may be different in our losses, but on the inside we feel some of the same feelings if not a lot of the same ones...so don't be so quick to shut everyone out...here I am 8.5 years later, realizing that is exactly what I did, and now I feel like I am starting all over right from the beginning, May 27, 2003...

Hello...is anyone there?

Right here, right now...I feel 10x better than I did 2 hours ago. I don't know why but I do. But at 7:00pm tonight if you could have read all that I was thinking, you probably would have me committed. Heck, you might still try!



I feel like I have everything, well, maybe not everything, having my dad around be nice...but lets get real that isn't going to ever happen, at least not until we meet in Heaven. But I do have a wonderful life that I really truly love. I have the most beautiful children, well mannered, polite and all of the above, but yes they can also be little Tasmanian devils...I have a great husband, who I know many women would love to be married too. I know I have it made in so many ways, but I can't help but feel like I am living in a box and the walls are closing in on me...now maybe that is because I woke up today at 12:30, didn't take my daily meds and totally forgot that my in laws were coming!! (and my house was a mess). On Friday night, I stayed up all night, into the wee hours of the morning, something this body is so not used to doing. I can remember back in college just chillin at the Pi Kap house on the porch watching the sun rise, on several occasions. Though I didn't watch the sun come up, I didn't fall asleep until 7:30am, after I talked to Nick and he was on his way home. Now, why would I do something like that? I am 31 yrs young, a wife and mother of 2, why would I be selfish/childish and stay up all night? I had a great time just hanging out with an old friend and my cousin, to most of you, but to me she is like a sister. Adam was asleep and we just sat up and talked and talked and talked...okay, maybe I was doing all the talking, but she is a great listener!!! We were going through some clothes, that belong to another cousin, trying to find my son some pants to wear in the chilly mornings when I take monkee to school. Well, my OCD/ADD kicked in and I am organizing what is already organized, lol! Needless to say staying up that late really kicked my butt. Although there is no one to blame but myself. And it was a rough week for Nick as well, he has bouts of insomnia, and he had one this week, he didn't sleep for 4 days this week...can you imagine, but he still helped me as much as he could. What a great father and husband...but there are times when I know he feels I don't appreciate all that he does and Lord knows I do, I couldn't live without him.

The man of my dreams...

I can not explain what I feel at times and if I try it comes out all wrong and makes everything worse. I feel like at the age of 31 I am truly abt 80 years old. On a daily basis, I hurt, and I try not to complain, but well I do. I can not put into words how everyday is still a struggle for me in so many ways. I miss my dad. I think of him a lot. I try to always think happy thoughts. But the point is, I want to live for my husband and my children. I don't feel depressed, though I have been diagnosed with Chronic depression. Then tonight I was thinking, am I depressed? Does depression really have a feeling? Sadness...well of course I feel sad who doesn't. Have you watched the news? Is my medicine working? Well, if all of these thoughts are running through my head than I am beginning to think that they aren't working. What would happen if I weened myself off everything? Would I be mean, angry, isolate myself? Then there is my anxiety, is it anxiety, OCD, or ADD or all of it? If I stopped taking my meds for that what would happen? But are they working, or is it in my head? And of course I feel completely guilty about having to take medications to be what I call "normal", the amount of money we could save, if only I was normal! (HAHA). I am supposed to see a therapist along with seeing my psychiatrist, I haven't see the therapist in over a year...I think I could be in his office for a week!! But then I think, why?? Honestly, what is that you truly have to complain about?? And even though the answer is nothing, I do have a lot to talk about...and I know Nick is really getting tired of hearing it. And I beginning to realize that yes, you should always be able to talk to your spouse about everything but at the same time you shouldn't. If it overwhelms me, then it has to overwhelm him too...he begins to think he has done something and he hasn't...its ALL me!!! Then I wonder, would I be like this if my dad were here? But, in reality even if he didn't kill himself, by now he still could have passed away of natural causes. So where does that leave me? See what I am saying...everything is just so random.

My cousin said to me the other day, what have I done to deserve all of this that I am getting, I have done nothing but help everyone. And she is right...she will do anything for anyone, she helped me when I needed it. Right now I feel the same way...what have I done to deserve to feel like this...is this how my life is going to be...do I need medication to be normal, do I need to see therapists and a psychiatrist, a doctor for this and a doctor for that??? I just don't know anymore. All I can honestly tell you is that I have a wonderful life, a great husband and 2 beautiful children and yet there are times like tonight when I felt like running away.

I would never commit suicide, so for those of you that think I am..just stop...the thought has crossed my mind a few times, but can anyone really say they haven't thought about it? Or just wondered what life would be like if we weren't here? Would anyone really notice (besides my children and husband)? What would people say about me? UGH! Seriously, I can not put it into words all that I am feeling. I can't even say all that I am feeling for fear of judgement. Tonight, I wanted to run away and hide, be alone and just pretend I didn't exist. Whether I like it or not life is hard and I get so upset with myself for various reasons.

One being that I have a husband who always helps when I ask, but at the same time can aggravate me in a minute when it comes to the kids...its like there are some things that he doesn't notice or just doesn't get. For instance, believe it or not we have a routine, now granted it might not be right down to the minute, but every night we do the same things before bed and such, and he recently made a comment that we didn't have a routine. Umm, yes we do, you just sleep through it. Tonight we started baths at 7 and weren't finished until after 8p, and that was working together. Another one of my peeves, I guess you could call it that...is letting Adam stay in his crib after he wakes up in the am or after nap time. I don't mind a little bit, we have a monitor, and can hear him playing in his crib. But every Monday when I take monkee to school, I usually go walk with a friend, maybe even run a few errands, pick monkee up at school and when we get home they are still in the bed!! That just irks me...and why? I have no idea. I know he works nights now, and we are beginning to adjust and figure it all out...but then I have my break downs like tonight. What to do?? Oh, and I am beginning to see some of my mothers quirks coming out in me...on that note, I have come to the realization that she isn't all that bad and how I feel about certain subjects, though they are just like her, I am right in the way I feel. But that's a whole other story. It has taken 8.5 yrs for me to begin to see my mother again, in herself. I thank God that she is coming back, but a lot of her is still gone and always will be. But in some of her thinking she isn't wrong, never was.

Okay, so it looks like I have rambled and rambled and never really came to a point. Let me tell you I have had more blonde moments since dying my hair auburn than I did when I was truly blonde!! LOL If you don't believe me ask my family and friends!! We have begun to call them red moments!!!

I am thinking that maybe I should blog about a typical day in our house, and you tell me what is wrong...and trust me, I already know its all me...Girls, if you are reading this...I need a girls weekend...or maybe a new medication. Either way, I will stop here because I am exhausted and going to bed. If anybody has any advice on anxiety and trying to handle it, please let me know because until I took my meds tonight I was freaking out...now, I am calm, cool and collected...the 3 C's!!! And very tired and sore...so look out bed, move over Amaretta and Nick...make me some room, and heating pad here I come!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!!

And like I always say, Please, please smile at someone today if not everyone, you honeslty never know whose life you may save with your smile...no teeth, then show them gums!!! Smiling is great for everyone, practice...and see what it does for you and others in your life!

Ansley smiling at all of you...

What this blog has done for me...

There is so much that I have wanted to blog about lately, but I am either laying down with Ansley to take a nap or by the time I am done with everything its abt 11pm!!! Then I begin to just lay there in bed my mind going crazy with ideas of blogs I want to write, things I want to do and so much more! Nick suggested that I take a notepad with me when I lay down that way I can jot down my ideas. Some friends agreed, and I too, thought that it was a great idea. So that night I began writing my ideas down, then next thing I remember is waking up with the notebook in my lap and the pen in the bed, but the strangest part is somehow pen marks were all over Ansley's feet!!! Now let me mention, I found the pen right beside my pillow! So there is no telling how it happened, but it did! She woke up saying "mommy, someone wrote on me, see...look at my feet."

It's amazing how much better I feel since starting this blog. I have kept so much inside of me that it just began to weigh me down and upset me. Though I have only written about a few incidents from my past when it comes to bullying, I feel like a ton of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders, heck, my entire body! I feel free. Crazy sounding isn't it. Plus, the whole idea of writing a book about my past, I don't see that anymore, well at least not about all the cruel experiences I endured. Over the last month, God has really showed me some things, led me to places that I never would have found on my own, much less looked! Not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't listening. I just finished reading a book, "Heaven is for real," it's a must read if you haven't read it. It is about this little boys journey to Heaven, and it just makes your Faith that much stronger or it did for me. This little boy made my night as I was reading and he told his dad that yes there are pets in Heaven and lots of beautiful colors, but most of all Jesus has the most beautiful eyes. Oh, how I wish I could hop on an elevator go visit with my dad, uncle, aunt, grandparents, friends and my childhood dog, Winkum!!! I can't wait to see his wagging little tail!! Oh, but seriously, this book is great.

So its no secret that my dad committed suicide. (Somehow that always manages to come up, huh?) Well, I have always wanted to do something, something to help. That is where that article on suicide awareness comes into play. On a normal basis I never would have went to this website or seen the article, but since then I have learned a lot. I am also beginning to see suicide in a different way, not like most individuals. Now, this may upset some people and I am sorry, but it is the analogy that I am going to use. People commit suicide everyday, but they are never remembered. They are forgotten or maybe they were never even thought about to begin with. On 9/11, our country was hit with one of the biggest if not the biggest tragedies ever, the loss of so many lives due to terrorism. On the anniversary this past weekend, I did not watch the news, listen to the radio or have anything to do with it. That is how I handled it. Why? Because though it was a horrible tragedy, no one is being secretive about all the suicides that occurred, even the ones that chose to commit suicide and I don't mean the terrorist. You see, those people that jumped from those buildings thought to themselves, I have no other choice, and well, most people who commit suicide have the exact thoughts running through their mind just before they pull the trigger, step of the chair, or take a bottle of pills. Though there is a big difference, at the same time, there are one in the same, (of course this my opinion). And every year we remember all those that we lost, but we don't ever really take the time to remember the mothers, fathers, sons, daughters who have taken their own life, and left behind a family and friends to cope with the loss, to try and figure out why, and put the pieces back together. The reality is you can't ever put it back together, you can't ever figure out why, you learn to cope with your everyday feelings and sadness. Me, I hide it behind my smile as I look at my beautiful children, and I see my dad in them. I know he is here, Ansley is always telling me how she sees Pop in the house and how he is always smiling at me. I want to believe her, I do believe her, I have caught glimpses of him, but to know that he is smiling at me, just makes me cry. No matter how many years go by, one thing will always be certain, and that is I am a daddy's girl at heart, and I want him to be proud of me. And I think he is, I think he is proud of all of us. He may not be so thrilled that it took us this long to get to this point, but now he can rest in peace because his family isn't torn apart anymore.

Okay, so if you haven't figured it out, I want to write about my experience, struggles, happiness, anger, hatred, and all the other feelings I felt when I received that phone call May 27, 2003 that my father was no longer living, and that he had shot himself. Now, will this book ever get published, who knows, will it help another daughter who went through what I did, maybe, hopefully....but most importantly, I feel it will help me. Finally, I can tell my story, the way it happened for me, what I felt, what I experienced, not what you saw on the outside, but I felt on the inside and how it has impacted my life today. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the insignificance of suicide to people, how its a world unknown and unspoken. That is a change I want to work on. You have Race for the Cure, Relay for Life, March of Dimes, Alzheimer's walks, and walks for everything and you see it published...they make you aware. But not suicide, not the walk for those who have been impacted by this painful life experience. And you know what, there is a walk out there! Heck, I just found out about it, never heard of it before, I have never seen it advertised on a bulletin board, in a local magazine, newspaper or on tv, just online, on its website. Wow! People have such taboo thoughts on suicide that they don't even mention a walk to remember these people, and they were living breathing people too. Most of you know this is something that I have always been passionate about, and now I feel that God is leading me to do more...Please pray that I can hear him and that I listen. And most of all pray for the families that lost a family member to suicide today, because it did happen.

Sometimes the tears just pour like rain...



Yellow isn't just for soldiers...its for suicide victims too

 I am sitting here at my computer, crying, know that I should be in bed right now. I know that 6:45am comes early, and not feeling well on top of that, well bed is where I should be, but here I am on my blog.

I want to thank the people who have inboxed me on facebook about suicide and how it has affected their life in some way, or even depression. That makes this battle all the more important to me, but its still such a taboo subject, I plan to begin to change that, at least here in my area or where ever I can.

Anyways, I keep checking the page that I have created to invite others to join my team and walk on October 9, 2011, in an Out of the Darkness, Prevent Suicide and make Awareness. I pretty much sent to everyone on my friends list. I know that some defintely can't come because they live in NY or Florida. But I am surprised by those who aren't attending that are so close. Maybe it wasn't enough time for people to plan. Maybe it was my fault, because I was unable to attend 2 very special occassions for one of my closest friends.(Now granted, I know she has a reason she can't come, and whatever it is I understand). Maybe this is my karma. But please know that just like everyone else who loses a loved one to a sudden death, you are not alone...there are groups out there, and finally, finally, after 8 years I have found mine.

I am not ashamed of my father in any way. I love him more and more each day even if he can't hug me and kiss me my cheek and tell me it will be okay. I can't pick up the phone anymore to hear his voice...just saying my name...I can't sit on the porch with him and have discussions that are so beyond my realm of intelligence, but I loved every minute of it...because I was with him, just us. So here it is National Suicide Awareness and Prevention week and no one seems to care, not the news not anyone...unless you count their recent loss, meaning the news. And Sunday, wow what a day. Not only is it World Wide Suicide Awareness and Prevention, but its the 10th anniversary of 9/11. Can you even think what will get the most attention? Please don't get me wrong, I hate that so many lives were lost that day and thankful that my friends and their family in NY are all okay. But there are those that chose to committ suicide on that day. They saw no other way out. How do you think a person who committs suicide feels just before they pull the trigger...there is no other way out. So think about it because these 2 events go hand in hand. But because of the 9/11 tragedy, their suicides are treated differently, than those of us who lost a loved one, on a normal day, no planes crashing into buildings, no terriost attacks...but we too, are still left behing to pick up the pieces without memorials or candle light vigels. No one wants to talk to us about the suicide that happened in our live, they don't want to gather at Gibbs Stadium and remember the mothers, daughters, fathers, brothers, friends, military soldiers, who killed themselves not because of 9/11 but because in their mind they saw no other way.

If you are interested here is a link to my team page, we have decided Team "Pop" was most appropriate.
http://afsp.donordrive.com/participant/teampop

Check it out, donate online, email me...I am here for anyone who has ever had a loss to suicide or is fighting depression. Only through Awareness and Prevetion can we make people realize this is a National story and tragedy.

No stranger to the word suicide...and the darkness it brings

I am almost certain you know how this will start...I have thought and thought all day on what to sit and type, the words flowing in my brain a thousand times a minute. But now as I sit here in front of the computer, I am not drawing a blank, I am not crying, at least not yet...I am thinking about suicide and it affects so many people, common people, like me and you. Not just celebrities who go broke, or get depressed, may God bless all of them and their families during these times. But what about me? On May 27, 2003, my father killed himself, yes he went and did the forbidden, he committed suicide. He left behind, me at the age of 23, my brother who was 31, (strangely, that is how old I am), 2 beautiful grandchildren, his wife, his mother, his sister, and three brothers. Did you ever see it on the news? Did you hear about a candle light vigel in his memory. No. Actaully, no one knew what happened. Most thought he went to sleep and never woke up. As you see it didn't occur in our homestate of South Carolina, at the time his job transferred him to Chattanooga, TN, where in less than ONE hour his death was ruled suicide, and his body was loaded into the coroners van, off to the morgue and put in a pine box in the same clothes he had been wearing, a yellow button up collared shirt, blue jeans, and his belt, a braided one, and he was shipped home with other peoples luggage. Not much honor in that. Those people, even if it is thier job, could care less, that I was a daddy'd girl...and talked to him on the phone almost everyday, and he sounded happier than he had ever been. That one day in May tore my family apart for years, and it seems that we are just now beginning to pick up the pieces. It's just so odd that of all the times I was online, God brought me to a particular website hi-lighting that September 4-10 is Suicide Prevention and Awareness week with Sunday being World Wide Suicide Awareness day. It is weird because it's like I have this skeleton in my closet, and I am supposed to be ashamed, keep it a secret...keep smiling, make up some reason why he isn't here. Well, I am sorry, but I am not longer playing that role. I am standing up and telling it like it is...within the last 48 hours I know of 2 suicides that were successful and a third that wasn't, not for the likes of trying. And then I read an article that says its genetic...and was actually told that because my father killed himself I am much more likely to committ suicide as well. Really??? Don't get me wrong, sometimes it seems like such a wonderful way out...but my life isn't bad. I have 2 beautiful children, a neice, three nephews, a brother, my mother, a grandmother, and lots more family that need me. But most of all its my children and my husband. I want them to know me and I want them to know their "Pop", because they never will if I am not here to tell them. I lost so much on that day...most of which I will never get back, but I remember my dad...now all I have are memories, a feeling in my heart to make others aware of this deep dark secret that some many people have experienced. A friend from college, her brother shot himself in a church parking lot while we were in high school....my uncle took too many pills and drank a can of beer, my cousin just last year overdosed on his mothers morphine, a close friend drank anit-freeze in college, thankfully he was found and saved, however, another friend from high school wasnt as lucky, her father shot himself, and then my aunts husband called my mother to see when she was coming home, (this is when she lived in Barnwell, after my dad had passed) when they pulled into the drive way there he was hanging from a tree with his belt. I remember at church a mother of someone that I went to school with, giving her testimony about how she tried to kill her herself and was unsuccessful. I have strangers, friends of friends and so on, confide in me their suicide story, you see we are all affected, not just me, even though that is what it feels like. I had a friend whose father committed suicide, he and I became even closer after my dad passed, I finally had someone to talk to, someone who know how I felt, someone who understood me, and then on October 22, 2005 he was killed in an automobile accident.

I have read numerous stories about children and teens who are driven to suicide because of bullies. What is wrong with this picture? We are losing soldiers everyday, not too mention that their suicide rate is quite high. When did life become worth not living, when did your loved ones become worth not living for? Unfortuantely, that one statement contradicts everything that I have ever said about my dad taking his own life. Call me a hypocrite. My father was 50 years old when he killed himself. I tell myself and anyone that asks, he was a grown man, he could make his own decisions and he believed that if chose this route, we, his family, were strong enough to pick up and keep going. I wonder what he thought as he watched as we each deteriated in our own ways, me, well it took some time for it to even hit me, mom, she didn't get of the bed for months, my brother went on a binge. There we were a family so torn apart, but he must of thought we could make it. And you know what, there are parts of me that say it wasn't suicide at all, but I have been told that those who experience such a traumatic event like suicide will "make up" other reasons for the death. So, in that aspect I am suppose I am a liar too. The truth is I am torn right down the middle, I know my dad was capable of doing it, he told me to my face, and yet when I looked at the Crime Scene Photos, it just didn't look right....so many things out of place, so many stories that didn't make any sense, like for starters, why would he use the gun my brother has just but him for Christmas, he had 2 others in a closet and one in his truck. Why was his body positioned in such a way on the couch that he was half way off, as if someone was sitting on him, was was his belt undone and tucked under his jeans, his legs crossed perfectly...why was everything so perfectly set up? Oh, and how come the neighbors could hear his dog Missy yapping over the weekend, a miniature yorkie, but you mean to tell me that NO ONE heard the sound of a .45 glock going off? And I am sure you are thinking to yourself, oh my goodness, she has seen all the photos, yes, I have and that is not how I think of him at all. I don't think of him in a casket, I think of him alive, sitting on the front porch talking to me when he got home from work. I think of me crawling into his lap and getting butterfly kisses, since I was too old for the others kisses! I think of the hard working, respectable man he was, the man that would do anything he had to for his family, even if it meant sacrificing for himself. You see, just one week earlier, well, the date he received it was May 22, I sent him a card, it was a thank you card, he sent me $100 to help with my rent down in Charleston, I remember he told me, he wished he could send more but that is all he had...and in the card I wrote, thank you, told him how much I loved him, how well we were doing and that I need to him to stay strong because I needed my daddy for a long time, 5 days later he was gone. That is the hardest memory that I have to deal with, I borrowed money, what if that could have saved his life? Yes, I know we could always ask what if, but if you want real, then this is it. Stepping back a minute, I no longer have the pictures. Once we started our family we decided that it was best to destroy them, by burning them. I didn't want my children to EVER stumble upon those pictures. However, I still have all the paperwork, medical and dental records, that I will keep. I am sure that most people who see and meet me don't think I have this dark secret hidden in my heart, but I do. Everyday I think about him, and what he is missing out on, he didn't get to walk me down the aisle, but I am thankful that my brother was there to fill his shoes when I needed him. He isn't going to meet his new grandchildren, and unfortunately only one really remembers him, my neice was too young, but she did write him a letter and it was placed in his jacket pocket along with a family photo. I know, why do we do these things, their souls are long gone, but it felt right. I mean at one time I was practically curled up in his lap...I did spray him down with cologne so that he smelled like my dad even if he couldn't hold me back.

I began to look for answers. I began to seek out help from my friends who were familiar with the Bible, do you know that some wouldn't even have the conversation with me. I don't know the truth to this, but I remember learning at one time that if you commit suicide, you are never at peace, you are constantly reliving that moment and you are most definitely going to hell. I will be the first to tell you that my father is in Heaven, and when its my turn he will be waiting for me. He was a saved man, but he was a private man, a man of few words. But he was my dad and no matter what he always will be.

I ask you not to be shy or afraid to confront me about this situation. As for the stages of Grieving, I am not so sure I believe in them...only because some days I am angry, others I cry, and some days I am at peace. Guess, I am just crazy.

You can help...Septmeber 4-10 is awareness and prevention...unfortunately, my dad was in another state and sounded happier than he had in years, I saw no warning signs. So here I am  eight years later still trying to pick up pieces and keep on living.