Drama...and why?

Since my house, or the occupants inside, except me...lol, are napping, so I thought this would be a good time to blog. As always there is several days between postings. Honestly though, there are times when I want to blog about whats going on, but feel that I can't.

Moving on...I know all families have it, all families deal with it on some level, but why?? Why does there always have to be conflict and/or drama?? I just don't get it. But I suppose some people just have to have it or well sort of...as of the other day, my mother deleted me on her contact list. Bahahahaha...that's how I feel anyway...it's no secret that she has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder. Which I wanted to know more about and the chances of me having it. Well, I just have depression and anxiety/panic attacks. But I am thinking that if my mother takes her medicine as directed, then she will not have these manic episodes. This is the second one I have experienced with her. And I just don't know what to do. She is cursing everyone for everything...and not at all seeing any blame in herself. She called my house this am 2-3 between 2am and 4am, now seriously, I have 2 small children, why would you do that? Her and her boyfriend have split up and she can't take it, but yet she drove him away. He was on the verge of coming home 2 days ago, and she went psycho on him (using words). I am not dealing with it...I don't have too. I have a family of my own and that is where my concerns are. I mean, how can you tell your grand-daughter that her Papa is mean? You know she is going to repeat it and then believe it and its not true. But I am supposed to let my children in your presence, so you can teach them who to like and dislike? I don't think so. But to keep the story short, I am sure she will come down...everything between us will be fine, but until then I am not putting up with it.

Well, I think I may go rest...my back is hurting still...yep, clumsy me fell down our stairs and jarred my back...and then I have a big ole boy to carry around!! But at the end of my day, I am happy and that is what matters.

Positive

I thought it was time to blog about something cheery. My last blog was not so happy. Sometimes I just find myself in that place, and its hard to get out of, writing tends to help, but honestly I can only write so much online. My life is still somewhat private. Well, I wrote and posted the prologue to my (one day) book, now to find time to write. I have written some, but haven't typed it..old skool, right? I am hoping that one of my friends, Ashley Quarles, would read it as I go...but I would like it to be through email and not my blog. So, Ashley, when you read this...comment and let me know if you will be my personal editor...I trust you to give the brutal truth, but with love and respect as a friend!

Anyways, what a week. Its so hard to imagine that this time last year I was 180 pounds give or take and about to give birth via C-section to a defensive end! Adam Joseph Prochaska entered this world on his original due date of October 14, 2010. That was the worst pain I have ever experienced in my life, and I do not see how some of you women do it naturally, but I give you major props for it. But once it was over and I had my baby boy in my arms, I was so happy, no, I haven't forgotten then pain, and I don't think I ever will, but seeing him smile makes it all worth it. And I still can't believe that he will be one on Friday!! It really is sad knowing your baby isn't a baby anymore...I am amazed at how time flies with children and just life in general. Its hard to believe that 10 years ago I was in college, 20 years ago I was in middle school! Wow, is all I can say! And now at the young, young age of 31, I am married to my best friend, and we have been blessed with 2 beautiful children. Life isn't a fairytale, but I wouldn't change it for anything...Okay, so back to my baby boy turning one! I have to admit I have been a little slack on everything, and I am guessing that is because I am not looking forward to him being one...not grown up yet, but if he is anything like his sister by the time he is 2 he will think that he runs the house! Speaking of my darling little Princess, she has been acting out lately. And they say boys have the terrible threes! And heck she will be 4 in December. However, I have already been working on her party...this year it is going to be a small gathering for girls only...well, and their moms....I am excited. I love planning parties...(with the exception of Adam's first bday). We also decided to have Adams party different too. For Ansley it was a big to do, and it is for Adam, but we have decided to keep it family and a few close friends, which in all reality it wont be too small! We are having him dedicated Sunday morning at church, and then plan to celebrate his birthday back here at home...I am getting excited. And I must say that the invitations turned out great!!! I would upload a pic but well I deleted from my computer...boo! However, if you are looking for invitations for a great price that are look amazing let me know!!!

Well, I hate to cut it short...but I want to watch my favorite show Criminal Minds...So I will have to come later!! Have a wonderful night. God Bless!!!!

What's eating Turnip Tara...

Cute title, none the less or at least I think so. As always, it has been a while since I have blogged, but I have so much going on right now that I don't have time for anything. The week is finally here, Adam will be one year old this Friday. I am so sad...where did my baby go. I can't believe how fast time has went by. Seems like just yesterday he was a little baby in my arms. Anyways...I figured this would just be a list instead of paragraphs, it's a little easier that way, thus the title...

1. Losing a loved one is never easy, but you can't tell me I don't know how you feel just because it wasn't your father that passed.
2. It has been 8 years since I lost my dad, but there are days that it feels like it was yesterday.
3. I hate feeling that I am taking all the wrong turns in my road to God.
4. I hate that I have no one to talk to about everything, because we all have enough on our plates.
5. I really wish that my hubby and I spent more time together and as a family.
6. I dislike that he is now working third, and we just can't seem to get adjusted.
7. I wish I was chemically balanced and didn't need medicine to help me make it through each day.
8. I pray that my daughter never experiences the bullying that I did while growing up.
9. I pray that both my children will always have respect and manners...and use them.
10. I really hope that I am not on speed dial, for the school, when Ansley gets older.
11. It really bothers me that even though it has been 8 years, everyone figures I am okay, and that I am not grieving.
12. I don't like that there is no attention to Suicide Awareness and Prevention.
13. I am terribly upset that my hubby forgot a very important day to me, and an apology isn't enough.
14. I don't like that he just figures it will all be fine tomorrow.
15. I miss snuggling with my hubby in the bed at night or just sitting on the couch together after the kids have gone to bed.
16. I don't like that Ansley is back in my bed after trying so hard to get her to stay in her own room.
17. I have to admit that I do love to watch her sleep peacefully next me.
18. I am glad that my life is finally on a schedule...somewhat, with the help of Ansley being in school.
19. I never knew how hard it truly was to be a parent, a good one...
20. I hate to admit that I have had thoughts of suicide, but would never do that to my children.
21. Just because I have tattoos doesn't mean I am a disrespectful, non-christian.
22. Everyone of my tattoos has meaning, something from my life.
23. I wish that I didn't have to deal with back pain everyday and that it will only get worse as I get older.
24. I am happy that I have been able to lose all my baby weight, and actually get to my goal weight.
25. I don't like being told that I look sickly and too thin, when I have been much smaller in the past.
26. I regret not finishing nursing school because my anxiety got the best of me.
27. I don't like that I feel mad or sad a lot...especially on gloomy days.
28. I wonder how many true friends I really have...
29. I don't like that my best friend and I don't talk or get together much any more now that we are "grown ups"
30. I absolutely love Charleston...but really don't I could handle all the traffic...
31. I don't feel like I am 31, I still feel like I am in my 20's...
32. It bothers me that he sleeps all day and we never spend time together.
33. I am happy that he spends as much time with the kids as he can.
34. I am thankful for all the help he gives me...when he does...
35. I really hate having all these emotions running through me and I feel like I have no ability or strength to stop it.
36. I don't like keeping it all inside...
37. But I don't want to talk about it either because its a waste of time..

I could continue to go on but well, I am not. I guess you can tell that I am a little sad, mad but also happy and blessed. I am trying my best to stay positive...but it doesn't always fill the void. Until next time...

But when I am at my lowest, I look at my greatest accomplishments, my children, and I always smile!!!

If you truly only knew...

No beating around the bush on this one...I am in a pissy mood, I had looked forward to our family day all morning. Well, while everyone was napping, and Ansley was also supposed to be!! She got out her lipstick and went to town...all over her clothes (brand new), her purse, pillow, and comforter...the punishment we all had to stay home...but in all honesty, its like that is what someone wanted the whole time. Now I am up all alone...nothing new there...wishing I could blog about everything that is racing through my head, but I can't. So really, what is the blog for? Heck if I know...what is facebook for, heck if I know that one either...the book will be completed, now as for how long it takes...well that will be determined by the path that I keep choosing...crossroads...so many at one time. I am really feeling blah and down right now...I could give you a list, but it wouldn't do any good...so I will go to sleep, say my prayers...and wake up tomorrow, on a new day, hoping it goes better...

Revision: short, sweet, simple, and to the point..



Now and Forever...



If you approached me ten years ago and asked me where did I see myself in the future, I can honestly tell you that it wouldn’t be the present that I am now living. I have no idea what it would be like, but I probably would have told you that I would be married, would hope to have children, and also hoping that I am working full time in broadcasting, as a Reporter.



Although, my present life isn’t what I thought it would be, not in the slightest, though I am married, have two beautiful children and I live my days not out in the field reporting, but as a stay at home mother. My path getting here has been a bumpy, rough and narrow road at times, but I am living it. Ten years ago without any hesitation, I would have included my dad in the picture. My two wonderful children would have their Pop, and I would have my daddy. Though, we all know life isn’t a fairytale and we can’t pretend it is, so this is the beginning to my story, my struggles, my battles and my life as a Daddy’s girl, left behind to pick up the pieces and keep moving forward, after he chose to commit suicide.



Dreams...what dreams

Poof...and just like that all of my dreams were gone...demolished, flattened...but oh well, I am sure Einstein has many ideas, or dreams that were flattened before he found something worthy...well, for about 5 years or more I have had a dream of opening my own business. Granted I have come up with several different ideas, all of which I thought would work here in Woodruff, but well the truth is, they wont. This is a wonderful town to live in, at least I think so, I love the school systems, my home, the fact that I am 30 minutes from Greenville and Spartanburg. I have begun to make some new friends. But well, the fact of the matter is, a business of my desire would not fit the town of Woodruff, though, I must say it is a good idea. But all good ideas cost money, and I don't know if you have noticed but that tree in my backyard is bare and has been for a long time now. lol.

But at the same time I feel like I am being pushed and pulled into another direction. One that I have always wanted to participate in but I just didn't know how or what to do. I believe I have said this before, but I just finished reading "Heaven is for real," and it was such a wonderful book. Its nice to breakaway from the same old books,for me they are always murder mystery (my favorites), and this book was nothing like that. It made me feel good inside. It made me excited about God and the Heavens and all my family, and family pets that one day I will reunite with. Most of all, it made me realize that yes, physically my father is no longer on this earth, but he is here spiritually, he is with me everyday, he watches me and one day we will be reunited. Okay, so the point of that...writing. Its my passion. I love to do it, though sometimes everything comes out so random, but it still makes sense. I used to think my purpose was about bullying, and making people aware that it goes on, and that no one truly sees the extent until it goes to far. I am definitely all for the anti-bullying laws, but after writing about only a few experiences from my childhood, I feel compelled to go in another direction. Believe me it has felt so good to get all of it off my chest, and of course I wonder if any of the girls that did those awful things to me have ever read my blog, and if they have, what do they think today? Part of me actually thinks they would read it and laugh, but to me that is just the type of people they are. So anyways, back on point. Day to day we all have struggles, some small some so large that it seems no one can help. Last night I actually sat down and began to write...not type, weird I know! But I am in the beginning phases of writing my book, which has changed. In all honesty, I am doing this for me, not be selfish, but for closure, and well I really don't think that will ever occur. But I am in the process of writing the Prologue to my book. I have no intentions on writing the book here on my blog, I do plan to write the prologue so that you can all read it and possibly give me some advice, positive criticism and so forth. but I fell that God is leading me in the direction of Suicide Awareness and Prevention...maybe there are other girls, women, who are out there and are just as lost as I am, picking up the fragmented pieces trying to figure out what went wrong, and then maybe they have found a way to deal with it and they can help me. Because after writing that I do not believe in stages of grief, God quickly showed me that I am far from over my dad's death. I just have nice way of covering it up, making nice, and pretending all is good in my world, for the sake of the others who depend on me. And trust me its more than just my hubby and children. I want to be everything that God wants me to be and we have to start somewhere. So I am taking the plunge. I ask that you pray for me as I take this challenge on full force...with God's help, of course. I am planning to write my story, a daddy's girl, left behind struggling to put the pieces together so that life can keep going...and realize that no matter how long its been, its a wound that is always fresh, and always will be, but don't mistake that as me not wanting to talk about him because I do. I may not have lost a child, and I pray daily for my friends that have, may they find peace, even if just for that day...but I have lost a parent, and though we usually expect to outlive our parents, we don't usually think that one of them would make the choice to leave this world, on their own terms, never saying goodbye, never even telling us why. You see I didn't get any last words, I didn't get any hugs or kisses or I love yous. What I live with is guilt...because I had not seen my dad in quite some time, though we talked daily, and the last thing I ever did was ask to borrow money....I can't change that...but please don't shut me out because my loss isn't like yours. I hurt, I cry...I smile, I think of all the times we had together and all the times we could be having together...I can't pick up the phone and call him, I can't rush into his room or house and just wrap my arms around him and hug him one last time and scream I love you to the moon and back daddy! We may be different in our losses, but on the inside we feel some of the same feelings if not a lot of the same ones...so don't be so quick to shut everyone out...here I am 8.5 years later, realizing that is exactly what I did, and now I feel like I am starting all over right from the beginning, May 27, 2003...

Hello...is anyone there?

Right here, right now...I feel 10x better than I did 2 hours ago. I don't know why but I do. But at 7:00pm tonight if you could have read all that I was thinking, you probably would have me committed. Heck, you might still try!



I feel like I have everything, well, maybe not everything, having my dad around be nice...but lets get real that isn't going to ever happen, at least not until we meet in Heaven. But I do have a wonderful life that I really truly love. I have the most beautiful children, well mannered, polite and all of the above, but yes they can also be little Tasmanian devils...I have a great husband, who I know many women would love to be married too. I know I have it made in so many ways, but I can't help but feel like I am living in a box and the walls are closing in on me...now maybe that is because I woke up today at 12:30, didn't take my daily meds and totally forgot that my in laws were coming!! (and my house was a mess). On Friday night, I stayed up all night, into the wee hours of the morning, something this body is so not used to doing. I can remember back in college just chillin at the Pi Kap house on the porch watching the sun rise, on several occasions. Though I didn't watch the sun come up, I didn't fall asleep until 7:30am, after I talked to Nick and he was on his way home. Now, why would I do something like that? I am 31 yrs young, a wife and mother of 2, why would I be selfish/childish and stay up all night? I had a great time just hanging out with an old friend and my cousin, to most of you, but to me she is like a sister. Adam was asleep and we just sat up and talked and talked and talked...okay, maybe I was doing all the talking, but she is a great listener!!! We were going through some clothes, that belong to another cousin, trying to find my son some pants to wear in the chilly mornings when I take monkee to school. Well, my OCD/ADD kicked in and I am organizing what is already organized, lol! Needless to say staying up that late really kicked my butt. Although there is no one to blame but myself. And it was a rough week for Nick as well, he has bouts of insomnia, and he had one this week, he didn't sleep for 4 days this week...can you imagine, but he still helped me as much as he could. What a great father and husband...but there are times when I know he feels I don't appreciate all that he does and Lord knows I do, I couldn't live without him.

The man of my dreams...

I can not explain what I feel at times and if I try it comes out all wrong and makes everything worse. I feel like at the age of 31 I am truly abt 80 years old. On a daily basis, I hurt, and I try not to complain, but well I do. I can not put into words how everyday is still a struggle for me in so many ways. I miss my dad. I think of him a lot. I try to always think happy thoughts. But the point is, I want to live for my husband and my children. I don't feel depressed, though I have been diagnosed with Chronic depression. Then tonight I was thinking, am I depressed? Does depression really have a feeling? Sadness...well of course I feel sad who doesn't. Have you watched the news? Is my medicine working? Well, if all of these thoughts are running through my head than I am beginning to think that they aren't working. What would happen if I weened myself off everything? Would I be mean, angry, isolate myself? Then there is my anxiety, is it anxiety, OCD, or ADD or all of it? If I stopped taking my meds for that what would happen? But are they working, or is it in my head? And of course I feel completely guilty about having to take medications to be what I call "normal", the amount of money we could save, if only I was normal! (HAHA). I am supposed to see a therapist along with seeing my psychiatrist, I haven't see the therapist in over a year...I think I could be in his office for a week!! But then I think, why?? Honestly, what is that you truly have to complain about?? And even though the answer is nothing, I do have a lot to talk about...and I know Nick is really getting tired of hearing it. And I beginning to realize that yes, you should always be able to talk to your spouse about everything but at the same time you shouldn't. If it overwhelms me, then it has to overwhelm him too...he begins to think he has done something and he hasn't...its ALL me!!! Then I wonder, would I be like this if my dad were here? But, in reality even if he didn't kill himself, by now he still could have passed away of natural causes. So where does that leave me? See what I am saying...everything is just so random.

My cousin said to me the other day, what have I done to deserve all of this that I am getting, I have done nothing but help everyone. And she is right...she will do anything for anyone, she helped me when I needed it. Right now I feel the same way...what have I done to deserve to feel like this...is this how my life is going to be...do I need medication to be normal, do I need to see therapists and a psychiatrist, a doctor for this and a doctor for that??? I just don't know anymore. All I can honestly tell you is that I have a wonderful life, a great husband and 2 beautiful children and yet there are times like tonight when I felt like running away.

I would never commit suicide, so for those of you that think I am..just stop...the thought has crossed my mind a few times, but can anyone really say they haven't thought about it? Or just wondered what life would be like if we weren't here? Would anyone really notice (besides my children and husband)? What would people say about me? UGH! Seriously, I can not put it into words all that I am feeling. I can't even say all that I am feeling for fear of judgement. Tonight, I wanted to run away and hide, be alone and just pretend I didn't exist. Whether I like it or not life is hard and I get so upset with myself for various reasons.

One being that I have a husband who always helps when I ask, but at the same time can aggravate me in a minute when it comes to the kids...its like there are some things that he doesn't notice or just doesn't get. For instance, believe it or not we have a routine, now granted it might not be right down to the minute, but every night we do the same things before bed and such, and he recently made a comment that we didn't have a routine. Umm, yes we do, you just sleep through it. Tonight we started baths at 7 and weren't finished until after 8p, and that was working together. Another one of my peeves, I guess you could call it that...is letting Adam stay in his crib after he wakes up in the am or after nap time. I don't mind a little bit, we have a monitor, and can hear him playing in his crib. But every Monday when I take monkee to school, I usually go walk with a friend, maybe even run a few errands, pick monkee up at school and when we get home they are still in the bed!! That just irks me...and why? I have no idea. I know he works nights now, and we are beginning to adjust and figure it all out...but then I have my break downs like tonight. What to do?? Oh, and I am beginning to see some of my mothers quirks coming out in me...on that note, I have come to the realization that she isn't all that bad and how I feel about certain subjects, though they are just like her, I am right in the way I feel. But that's a whole other story. It has taken 8.5 yrs for me to begin to see my mother again, in herself. I thank God that she is coming back, but a lot of her is still gone and always will be. But in some of her thinking she isn't wrong, never was.

Okay, so it looks like I have rambled and rambled and never really came to a point. Let me tell you I have had more blonde moments since dying my hair auburn than I did when I was truly blonde!! LOL If you don't believe me ask my family and friends!! We have begun to call them red moments!!!

I am thinking that maybe I should blog about a typical day in our house, and you tell me what is wrong...and trust me, I already know its all me...Girls, if you are reading this...I need a girls weekend...or maybe a new medication. Either way, I will stop here because I am exhausted and going to bed. If anybody has any advice on anxiety and trying to handle it, please let me know because until I took my meds tonight I was freaking out...now, I am calm, cool and collected...the 3 C's!!! And very tired and sore...so look out bed, move over Amaretta and Nick...make me some room, and heating pad here I come!! Hope everyone has a wonderful Monday!!

And like I always say, Please, please smile at someone today if not everyone, you honeslty never know whose life you may save with your smile...no teeth, then show them gums!!! Smiling is great for everyone, practice...and see what it does for you and others in your life!

Ansley smiling at all of you...