For those of you close to me, or anyone for that matter, it is no secret that my dad, Daniel Jordan Ashmore, committed suicide on May 27, 2003, Memorial Day. It was 4 years after my Uncle David, his big brother passed away on Memorial Day from cancer. There are parts of me that say yes it was what it was...and then there are parts of me that say no, there is much more to this story than any of us will know.
Here I am writing about this situation in my blog. I am okay with it, do I have any other choice? I could hate him forever, but it wouldn't change that day in my life, so I have accepted it to the best of my abilities. I wont lie, I think, no wait, I know without any doubts that there is much more to this so called "story" than anyone can see. And naturally, we feel its the right thing to do, to keep it hidden from the grandchildren on what happened. Surely, they have a right to know, but would they understand? I was 23 when it happened and I am 31 now, and I still don't completely understand, but I depend on God to get me through each moment.(and He does...every single day). And believe me, I think about him all the time. As I walk down the hall and see the last picture of us taken together...as I think back on my wedding and it sinks in that my dad chose to not be there, just like he chose to not be present for the birth of his last 3 grandchildren. Now don't get me wrong, I believe he was present and is still present without a shadow of a doubt. My daughter knows exactly who he is...he is her Pop, her only Pop...no one else is Pop, only my dad, my brothers dad and my mothers husband. this was her Pop... I have learned through therapy that those of us left behind, victims, as we are called, can make up stories...oh it didn't happen that way...he really didn't do it...there is more to the story...I am told this a natural reaction...so does that mean that I am not crazy...does it mean that I am making these "stories" up only to help myself cope? For me the answer is no...I am not making anything up...I have the reports, I have his medical records and yes at one time I had all the photos from the scene. No, that does not make me a sick individual, it made me a daughter looking for answers that were not being given to me straight. It all happened in TN, tell me how can you rule a suicide in less than 2 hours...everything that I have read and studied says that it takes time to make these decisions...but in a case where the victim is a South Carolina man in Tennessee, seems pretty open and shut, or it did for them...you know what I find strange? I find it strange that all weekend when my mother was visiting people said that they heard my parents dog, Missy, a miniature long haired yorkie yapping...but you mean to tell me that you didn't hear a glock 45 going off? I mean seriously, that is just one peculiar part to this story. I talked to this man on a daily basis, he was happy...he loved TN...he wanted my mom to move there...why make plans just to end it all? Yes, this is one of those parts of my life that will forever be unanswered and will forever leave an empty place in my heart, my life, my childrens' lives and in all those who knew him. He was strong, respected, loved, hated, but he was my dad...and I was a daddy's girl in every way. He came to me after my car accident, he kissed my cheek and told me that everything was going to be okay...I believed him, and it has. Now he has a grand-daughter and 2 grandsons, (one being my nephew who was born that following May) that I know he has seen, I know that he watches and I know that he loves...Ansley will tell me about her Pop, and how he watches me, and how he is always smiling and so proud. And Adam, gosh where could I begin...when I look at this handsome son of mine, I am not sure whether I should cry or smile...I see my dad in him...he looks just like him, and I think that makes me smile.I just wish he were here on earth to visit, talk and hold these precious grandchildren of his...he would be proud...Actually, I know he is proud, Ansley has told me so and who am I to say she is wrong. Children are so open to things as adults we lose sight of because we have to grow up. But that is okay because I know he is still here...
And I am sure you may be wondering where in the world did all this come from...and some of you might be thinking finally...a true breakthrough...she is talking about it more openly, I do not deny that I have lost my father to a death that he chose for himself...but I live on believing, no I live on knowing that there is so much more to this story than what those lousy detectives in TN came up with...They had never met my father and didn't know anything about him...all they could do was make assumptions based upon what they saw...they didn't call his doctors, they just assumed it was suicide, an open and shut case...and that is exactly what they did...as for me, I knew him, I knew him with all of my heart and soul...all of you daddy's girls know what I am talking about, that bond, the conversations you share...being a daughter...there is nothing in this world like it...just like a bond that a mother shares with her son...as children we accept that our parents will pass on before us, in most cases, but we don't usually think it will be a GSW to the heart...another odd part to the story, statistically, that is not how men choose to shoot themselves, you can research that part on your own if you choose. And this post may upset some people, why...because some people in our family don't know how he truly died...and that is for their own protection...or is it...is it just easier to say he didn't wake up. When my children are old enough I will tell them the truth, as I believe that they have a right to know...how others in my family choose to tell the story is their own...
of course this would be yellow instead of red and the loop would be a red heart...undecided about dates or to put dad....
So which one will I choose to represent the man I called daddy...the man that could do no wrong in my eyes, the man that I believe was protecting his family, not being a selfish person...I am not sure, but I know it will come to me and it will be perfect...I would love to know what you think or if you have any artistic suggestions....
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