Where has this road taken me?

When I first started this blog, I felt that my purpose was to tell my story about how badly I was treated in school as a child. Now, I find myself going away from that. So I am stuck and not sure really which way to go.

Right now, for this moment, I decided to go back and tell a story from my 6th grade year of school. This was the year that Baby Got Back was popular...we sang it all the time...so you can do the math...I lived in Hodges, at least that was my address, but I attended school in Ware Shoals and did all the way until half thru my sophomore year. Anyways, so Mrs. Patterson was my teacher for the first part and then she went out on maternity leave, and I think it was Mrs. Pautz, I am really not sure on that one...Here are some memories that I have from that particular year, some were good memories and some weren't so good. Of course Baby got Back was a great one...lol...still know the words and remember sitting on the bleachers singing them during recess. I got into a fight with one of my best friends, all because of misunderstandings that were fueled by classmates. His mother and my mother both worked at O'Dell Mop and Broom, just in different departments...well of course the he said/she said stuff started and there we were on the softball field fighting. Thankfully we are still the best of friends today, and what is even cooler is that when we moved here to Woodruff, he was here!!! So we get to hang out every now and again!! I remember passing notes in class, putting notes in others lockers...playing outside, music class, and of course the times that sucked....

It started out with me having secret friends...these girls would talk to me on the phone, on the weekends, we would hang out as long as it was away from school and no one else found out. They were the cool kids and apparently I wasn't. Sometimes I still sit and think and wonder how can you look someone in the face and say "we can be secret friends, but you can't tell anyone." Naturally, I was okay with it...I wanted friends, I wanted to fit in. And there were times when I did fit in...I did get to sit with them at their end of the cafeteria table, other times, I would sit with the other group of girls, and then there times when I sat alone in the middle section. Just another part of a girl's life right? I remember thinking that not one of these girls would care if I didn't show up tomorrow and was gone forever...but then again I was in the 6th grade, half these girls barely knew me, so now in reality to think would they miss me is just dumb. And who cares...well, I did and do. I have always tried to so hard to fit in and have friends but I am not sure where I went wrong.

The one thing that I can say is that every female that disliked me in school or still dislikes me now, at one time we were friends, maybe even best friends. Then there came a time to toss me aside...start rumors, make fun, and send me home to my room in tears, and that wasn't just the 6th grade. That happened all the way up until I left.

Another incident that I remember quite well was our Valentine's Day Dance. And I remember a few of the girls involved but not everyone. Anyways, it was a Friday, Travis was my boyfriend and he sent me a balloon to school that said I Love You....and I mean it was huge. I was so embarrassed. That night at the dance in front of everyone he publicly broke up with me...right there in front of all our "friends."  Now I was humiliated, and what I found out makes its worse...my friends were behind it all...they convinced him to break up with me at the dance in front of everyone...and he knew all day that he was going to do it....I sat in the girls bathroom crying for what felt like hours, naturally, surrounded by my "girlfriends", most of whom were behind the whole thing. Great friends, huh?

So as I sit here and write about all this depressing crap...I wonder is this what you want to know...will this help some child who is being bullied, or is it just proof that it happens and always will? I just don't know. I ask God why me, why did all of this happen to me...and yes I know life can always be much worse, but for a girl going through puberty, and everyone hates her...you really begin to think that your world is crumbling around you. I had no true friends...not the secret ones, not even the church ones...I am thinking just maybe this is where my attitude started, and believe it or not its a defense mechanism that I still use to this day...though not as much. My children have opened my eyes to a whole new world, where all that pain and sadness are gone.

So as my readers, the few or many that I have, I want to know...is my blog worth it...I know I don't get on a lot and I hope to change that...there is so much I want to do...but what do you think? Is it worth reading? Am I just wasting my time rehashing events in my life that no one cared about then and probably don't care about now, except for myself?