There is no big surprise that I despise the month of May, I mean don't get me wrong, there are great days in this month....mothers day, my moms birthday, my friend Allison's birthday, my nephews birthday...all such wonderful occasions to celebrate...but in the middle of it all, there is death...and more death...You go to sleep one night with no worries, just going to get up in the am and go to work...and then you get that phone call. I read alot the blogs on here, and its great that mommies who have angels in Heaven have one another. I really haven't found that group. I would like too, I would like to meet another daughter who lost her father to suicide, how does she feel on a daily basis, is she mad, sad, numb, what, I know I am not the only one, but I have isolated myself to make me the only one.
I remember May 2003 vividly....My dad had just taken a job in Chattanooga, TN. He loved it. I talked to him almost everyday, and he was happy. He was glad that he no longer had to deal with all the turmoil between my mother and his mother. How do you put a man in that position? Anyways, some sort of agreement was met, and my mom drove to visit my dad for Memorial Day weekend 2003, the last weekend he would be alive. The police say it was an open and shut case, suicide...one gun shot wound to the heart...no telephone to call for help, he left it in the truck. But let me rewind for a moment...I am just letting it all out...I really don't know what I am going to write next...
I was a nanny for a wonderful family in Charleston, they 3 boys, and oh, they were my sweeties, so precious and kind. On this Monday Morning, it was just the middle child and myself....my aunt had called and wanted to know the 800 number to reach my dad...I gave it to her and went on about my morning. Then my brother, my rock, at the time, called me and was crying....he wouldn't tell me anything, just that I needed to come and get him...all I could think about was Stephanie and the kids, they had been traveling over the Holiday weekend...what could it be...and then he told me...dad is dead...I screamed so loud, fell to the floor balling my eyes out.I felt so bad...I had scared Z...so I tried to remain calm and let his father know that I had to go....he had to come home...and so I left and to get my brother, we went back to our apartment. This is where I overheard my brother saying, No, that's not possible, not my dad, he wouldn't do that...I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew he didn't die in his sleep like I was hoping...I just fell to the floor screaming....why....why...How is my world crumbling all around me...I am only 23, just graduated college, barely living on my own...but everything that I knew up to this point was gone and would never ever return to normal. Grief, and the many stages you go thru....been there, done that...put the sticker on the board. I am a daddy's girl at heart...I loved sitting on the porch listening to him talk, such a smart man. I was thrilled when he went out with me the night I graduated from Lander. I was proud when he helped move me to Charleston and left me the Explorer. Naturally, I do have some regrets...would they have saved him, no. But it would have given me more time with him, instead of being selfish. June 2002, Father's Day...did I partake in the cook out for my dad? Nope, I stayed in Charleston with my boyfriend, the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with...you know the one that punched me 3x in my face...Now I look back and wonder what I missed out on....I made it back for his 50th birthday...no boyfriend in tow because he hated Gwd and was not coming back, hell he wouldn't even come to my graduation from college...and he sure as hell didn't come to the funeral...even though we were somewhat dating again...his first excuse was work...lie....the real reason, he had planned a surfing trip and he wasn't about to cancel them to comfort me. I feel like I am still, 8 yrs later, running in a circle...I still ask what if...I do look at my children and just cry because they will never have the chance to meet my dad. So I am in a group too...unfortunately I haven't found any other friends in the same group. I did have one...Rahim, one of the sweetest, most caring men I have ever had the pleasure and honor to know. He was there for me...we shared a common bond, his father committed suicide too...I felt safe talking to him..he understood me, my emotions, the roller coaster that I was on....but then Oct 22 2005, he was killed in a car accident...I never talked about my dad to anyone else...and still really don't. I feel this is my burden to carry and no one else's. I try to make the best of it...wishing I could change a few things...but I can't, and as for my grief stages, I have accepted that my father was a grown man, and he was allowed to make his own decisions regarding his life. I am just still trying to piece it together as to why he chose this way out? What about me? Todd, mom, the grand kids...sure life gets rough but everyday on the phone he was happy!!! Seriously happy.
I can't believe that its been 8 long years...and you what is really interesting...I tried to call him 3 different times to tell him something that Ansley or Adam had done, he would have been so proud. So how does one pick up a phone, begin to dial a number only to realize he wont answer...I don't want to forget our butterfly kisses, or that yes my daddy would rub my back and play with my hair if I wanted him too...and at the age of 23 I could still climb into his lap and find my cozy spot. I did a lot of changing over the last 8 years, some of you would say that I am well, some of you might say that I am holding back...well everybody is right...but seriously what does it do....a few weeks ago we celebrated Tuckers life with a cookout...it felt great...I cried, but it was great...I have accepted my fathers death and I still mourn. I think about the times we had...I want to share them with my children.One therapist told me that making up stories is how some of us deal with suicide. I feel with my heart and my gut that there is more to my fathers death than we all know...and will ever know. But I am not some stupid statistic on your board, that states, "watch her, she has a greater chance of following in her daddy's footsteps." That is not me...I have a beautiful, wild, intelligent, sometimes too intelligent, talented little girl who is going to need me during her life, even when she thinks she hates me the most, I will be there....I have a son, who is growing up way too fast...crawling everywhere, already pulling up...beginning to walk the furniture...he needs me too...I need him...and more than anything in this world I need my husband, my best friend, my soul mate, the one who knows me inside and out and still loves me with all my flaws and baggage. But I don't want to be a burden....those days that I lose it....I don't want to bring anyone down with me...I don't think its fair...but wow, to have someone who understands me again...now that would be nice. My father is resting in peace, he is in Heaven with God our Father, and I don't care what anyone thinks abt that...I know there will come a day when I will run to him with open arms and he will hug me...just a little too tight, just to make sure I know he loves me...
My uncle died on Memorial Day 1999, my dad was 4 yrs later, Memorial Day 2003, and my aunt passed away last year May 20, due to a pulmonary embolism...and to add to it this year Tucker passed away...I know the what ifs could kill you, but I am one of those people who analyze everything...and when I look back at that time, I wasn't the best daughter I could have been. I was selfish. I chose to stay in Charleston and not spend one last Fathers Day with him, I asked him to borrow $100...which he gave me, and in the card dated May 22, 2003...I told him that he needed to take care of himself because I wanted my dad to be around for a long time...and then just like that he was gone....no goodbyes, no letter, no reasons, tho I do have a few ideas....It is truly amazing how just one day, can change your world forever. And I know some of you understand that all too well. I wish I would have come back home and fought harder to keep our land...but I didn't....I wish I could have talked to him one more time just to say I love you...but I didn't...I wish I had picked up on something...but I didn't. My whole family life has forever changed. I am not that same girl, who was 23, working as a nanny, and got the call that her father was dead. I packed my things and went straight home...I remember my biggest ordeal was his obit, it read the body....I was disgusted....I told him that I would write it myself with the help of my uncle, but he wasn't just a body, he was a son, brother, husband, grandfather, and friend to some. I slept in my parents bed while I was home. It was me, Ash, Brooke and mom, I kept a picture with me at all times. I slept with one of his shirts that smelled like him...and I still have them all...I would give anything to have my dad still here with me...tho according to Ansley he is here...he lives with us and smiles every time he sees me...he loves me lots...I am sorry if you aren't a believer, but well this family is...and I have seen him too...I have heard Ansley talking to him. I just wish I could talk to him...awww the innocence of children.
I can say that I am coming out of my shell more and more. Yes, my father shot himself, yes, my father chose to leave this world. Why, I don't know, and its really not my place. I have made peace and accepted that he is gone...no other options, but I am good with that...but I don't want people to feel like they can't talk about him....I want too...I want to tell stories...especially the ones, of how he remembered my closest friends....Heather, Angie and Dawn...didn't know their name but he had names....and then there is the priceless dinner table conversation between he and Corrie, they were debating why there were no black band aids, yet we had clear ones...it was hilarious...the few friends he knew he loved. But he was right about one more thing....my boyfriend at the time, wasn't the man for me...my prince charming was still out there...but so very close...
On my wedding day, my brother gave me away in honor of my father and mother...I couldn't have been more pleased. Earlier that day we had a few rain showers...nothing too bad...but we were having an outdoor wedding...my brother told me and I believe him, those rain drops were tears of happiness from my dad,on my wedding day.
In closing, just remember we aren't promised anything. Family and friends is all we have...keep them close, tell them how much they mean to you...
I would love for you to leave a memory that you have about my dad...I know there are some out there...I am doing my very best to make sure he doesn't fade away...And I am here to talk to anyone about suicide. You can email me tarabelle79@yahoo.com.
1 comments:
Tara - I just wanted you to know that you can talk to me about your Dad anytime you want. Although I don't know what it feels like to lost my father, I know what it feels like to lose someone close (as you know). My best friend, Heather, knows EXACTLY what you're going through. I'll get you her info.
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