Change

I am sitting here at my computer, after putting my kids to bed, that for some reason wanted to fight, cry and whine the entire time...so then it was off to take a nice hot relaxing bath....and yes, I did say bath. Besides the hubby is playing softball so I am home alone in the quiet. Anywho...as I was sitting there relaxing, all of these ideas just came rushing through my head, and I honestly don't know what to write about. Surely, I will get to all of them but its funny now that I am writing this blog where it takes me. For so many years I have had anger built up inside me and a lot of hurt from the way I was treated as a kid all the way through high school. I never fit in, not when I went to public school, I would get picked on and called a "rich bitch", so I left and went to a private school, and I still wasn't good enough there, they called me "trailer trash". Kids, they can be so cruel. I wanted my blog to tell about my life and the events I experienced and how it felt to be bullied, but this doesn't seem to be the route this blog is taking, so much for that book deal! Dreams...at least we have them.

Okay, so all of these topics are racing through my head, should I talk about my dad, should I talk about my childhood, should I talk about my life now, yes all of it should be included but in what order? Should it even have an order? Do people really read my blog anyways, or is this just my way of letting go. I suppose either way would be suffice.

So, We have lived here in Woodruff now for 5 years. Its a great small town, but naturally, like all small towns it has its "talk", the in crowd, the don't talk to them or else...and well, I feel like I have never left high school. Those of you who know me, please correct me if I am wrong, but I know I seem to be a strong and confident woman, but really I want to be accepted, always have. And not by the popular people, just by other women that I feel that we may share some things in common. Sadly, I think my childhood is probably to blame for my insecurities, but I think I do a damn good job of hiding them.

I would give anything to have friendships here in Woodruff, that I have back in Ware Shoals and Greenwood....and believe me, it has taken me years to say Ware Shoals. Like Ashley, though we weren't close in school, we were friends, now we are super close. We have daughters the same age, and I would love to live down the road from her, so we could get together and let the girls play, and have adult conversations, just to know that I am not insane when it comes to my bossy, yet beautiful, 3 yr old, or maybe I am. And I would love for our hubbies who played ball against one another except during the summer on the all star teams, to hang out and teach Adam all about tee ball and baseball and Erik a wonderful lil man.

I would love to live near Angie, even though our kids are different in ages, our friendship has always been a strong one. I know I can pick up the phone and call her, not only to get the latest news of the town, but just to chat about life, kids, growing up...her gray hair, which is beautiful!! We had some really good times in school and after school when we became roommates for a while and then she met her hubby Scott, who actually knows Nick because they went to school together.

At the same time I have lost touch with some people that I grew up with, honestly, I don't think I am "right' for them, or would fit into their "crowd". Hell, I am still trying to fit in here. Trying to make friends, schedule playdates with other couples who have children Ansley's age, but its tough. Those click's are already established here and once again I am an outsider. And I try not to show it, but it hurts...If it weren't for Pam, my neighbor when we first moved here, I don't know what I would do. Don't get me wrong, I do have friends here, mostly older, but I love them dearly. I just desperately want to find friends to hang out with and talk, and let our kids play. Apparently, it seems my life is the only one that isn't hectic, which I know it isnt true by any means, but I suppose being a stay at home mom has a little stigma attached. But in all honesty, I am smart enough to know when I am not wanted, when you don't want to hang out and when you make excuses, I wasn't born yesterday and it hurts. To this day I am still hurting over the bullying I went through in school. Now don't get me wrong, I didn't walk around with wings and a halo, but my "attitude" truly was more of a defense mechanism. And the girls who took the opportunity to actually befriend me, figured this out. But I felt if I didn't talk or try to make friends, then I wouldn't get hurt, well that theory just got me picked on...so guess it didn't work out in my favor, huh?

Okay, I know I am rambling none of this makes any sense but well at the moment that is my mushy brain thanks to my 2 cranky but awesome children. The absolute loves of my life, even if sending them to bed helps my sanity! But I have always wondered why me, what is wrong with me. Why was I the chosen one to get picked on, beat up...stalked...I mean, was I really doing something that I was not aware of, was I just an easy target, and if so why? What do you think...for those who know and even those who don't....why? Can anyone give me any insight as to why I was the target.